A Dream Not Worth Chasing

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sorry this has taken me so long. Life has been crazy busy and the mind too drained to think clearly. I finally have some down time to write about reflections I've had about what may seem like the best dream that could ever come true...if it weren't so darn elusive!

I've heard stories about, as well as encountered, many young women who believe that marriage is the end goal, the end result after 'doing their time' through many a single night, home alone, pining for love that is to be, while watching some Romantic tear jerker of a movie that reinforces the all too false notion of love that Hollywood has brainwashed us into believing is reality (although I admit that I'm sucker for these movies, I am fully aware there is rarely anything to learn from how they portray love and marriage).

So these young women live their lives striving for this one goal, living in a constant search for the guy that will allow them to have the wedding day they've dreamed of, in the church they have already reserved in their minds and wearing that great white dress they have designed down to the last stitch of fabric....ugh! Sorry to sound cynical but come on ladies! That is not what we were created for!

So often women are so focused on making this dream a reality that they quit truly living. Their lives are characterized by whether or not they are in a relationship, which ultimately defines who they are and whether or not they are happy. They place all the stress of their own dreams, longings for love, definitions of true love and true happiness on some poor unsuspecting guy who is simply wanting to enjoy her company and get to know her. We women go from date 1 immediately to the wedding day and evaluating whether or not this is the man that can give us our happily ever after.

Oh how it saddens me. In our singleness there is so much we can do and accomplish without the stresses and responsibilities of a husband and kids. Now don't get me wrong, I love my hubby and kid, but I chose to get married later in life and definitely accomplished and did much during my 20s. Marriage, ladies, is not and should not be the end goal because it's not the end. Marriage is a continuation of life, an entrance into a new stage of it, and a commitment that will alter all aspects of your life as you now know it. This message is not for those of you already in serious relationships, about to enter in marriage (I hope you've already come to understand all that I'm writing about and 'get it' and have found your One).

This is for all those single ladies out there wasting away thoughts and energy believing that a wedding day and subsequent marriage will bring about all the happiness in the world, wiping away all sadness and filling their lives with joy unspeakable, always and forever. The problem with that thought is that no man can do that and sustain it day after day, hour after hour. Have you ladies been dating?! Guys are flawed, and we are just as well, if not more so! Often, we're just one great big hot mess of a female! And then we think that by walking down the aisle, saying "I do." and wearing a rock of diamond, that our lives will enter into the happily ever after....SIIIKE! Divorce rates alone will tell you it ain't so!

I love being married. I'm an advocate for it. But I believe marriage is right at the right time. I believe in order to know how to love and be loved we must first understand what love is and what it looks and 'feels' like. So for that I turn to the Maker of Love, the One that is Love, the only One that can give us our happily ever after....the lover of my soul...God. Yes, I went there, stick with me!

In my singleness I too spent lots and lots and LOTS of time and energy and thought dating the wrong guys, hoping that in them I would find all the happiness in the world and a fulfillment that I believed came from being in a relationship. Although I have learned much since those days, the greatest lesson I found was that there was no way I could find the joy and peace and love I wanted if I didn't get serious about who God was in my life. I needed to step aside and let God in. It was as I struggled through my 20s to understand who God was, and crying out that I needed to 'feel' him in order to trust him with my heart, that I began to change the way I viewed relationships and ultimately shifted my understanding of love and happiness. I must have been a rarity since I didn't long for marriage until my late 20s, never dreamed of my wedding day, never drooled over a bridal mag and some white gown, nope not me. But I did long to be loved and did think that I could find all I wanted and needed in a boyfriend. And as I dated men, and 'dated' God, I found more fulfillment in my relationship with God. As I drew closer to Him, I began to understand how to rightly draw closer to a guy.

As I learned more about who God was, I learned more about who I was, as created by Him, and what my purpose was in life. I learned how to better recognize the good guys by understanding the importance of character, values, morals, and observing where their time was being invested. Where God was in their life was easier to deem important because I had moved God into my own.

In that process, I changed, became more dependent on God, no longer on a guy, stronger in my singleness, less pissed off about another Friday night home alone, no longer willing to settle for mere male companionship to pass the time. I created new friendships that supported and cared for me and drew my life and mind into new opportunities for serving others, and away from serving my own needs and quite frankly from being so 'boy crazy'. And in this shift I discovered who I was supposed to be. Me, not me and a boyfriend, not my husband to be, I found Me, as God intended me to be. And in knowing myself, I came to better understand what role a man could and should play in my life versus the role God will always play. I learned what true love was and stopped being a brat about it and thinking that if a boyfriend didn't make me a priority he didn't love me, and I could fight with him into changing that. Oh, I learned a lot throughout those years (yes, years, I was single for a while and that was ok, I made it through and it was worth it!).

The point is that far too many of us spent or are currently spending all our time stressing about love lost, or love to come and not living in the moment or caring that God may be drawing us to something greater than we could ever imagine. We're so wrapped up in chasing this dream of marriage that we may be missing out on so many other experiences that God has in store for us. Experiences He wants and needs for us to have. Experiences that He has created uniquely for us, for some purpose, and I dare say, probably very important purposes.

Why is this important? Why don't I just leave you alone to sulk and be pissed off cause you feel God forgot about you? Because he hasn't! Because he knows your heart and your longings. He sure as heck knows you long for that dream of finding the One, yet he longs to ensure that you have become the woman worthy of that dream. The woman He has in mind, that can give and receive Love, that can support and be supported, that has come to know who she is, and is confident in knowing what God has called her to do and that when the time comes can recognize whether a guy is Mr Right (the One) or Mr. Oh So Wrong Thank You I'll Pass, next! A woman whose faith is so strong that she knows she's not forgotten, that her prayers will be answered, and until that day says, "Here I am God, what's next." You never know what that next may be....