One of my sorority sisters sent me this awesome article on how women can figure out if a man is the Right Man (no idea where she got it or I would reference it). I think it has some very valuable and practical advice and I must say that I agree with it. Many of these points were things I considered and thought through when I realized I was ready to get married and wanted to make sure I ended up with the right man. Basically, it helped weed out the duds. It's worth the read if it'll save one more lady from ending up with the wrong man!
The Right Man
First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking...and second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual basis before it's made on an emotional one. "What about Love? Shouldn't that be the third?" you ask. No, and I'll tell you why. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9.
Your Heart:
The heart is willful and driven by its own agenda. It does not consider things rationally and intelligently-it just loves to love! Therefore, you have to point it in the right direction: "Above all else, guard your heart. For it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23. Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from God, check out his attributes and then allow your heart to engage. Dating exists not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe that the biblical design would be friendship, courtship, and then marriage. Friendship is two people walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing together. Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another exclusively- it is the decisive turning toward the agreed upon goal of the marriage alter. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life together after marriage. But dating? Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to gather facts.
1. Check out the fabric. Is this person mate material? Does this man have an intimate relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ? Does he care what God thinks about his behavior? Is he accountable to God as well as another co-laborer in faith? Accountability is an important factor. It is imperative to maintaining a committed relationship. Is your potential spouse a member of the same family-the family of God? Scripture is clear on this: "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with the darkness?" (2 Cor 6:14)
We need to have common interests and values and agree on the essentials of living day to day. You have to have a similar spiritual walk. You have to have the same spiritual diet. You enjoy a lot of similar things. You have like interests, like goals in life, like opinions on basic life issues. You have had like experiences in your background. Though there is some truth in the idiom that opposites attract, like minded folks fare better together. Furthermore, does he want to get married? If you want to be married and your dreamboat isn't interested, don't waste your time.
Remember, women fall in love and get married. Men decide to get married then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously. You aren't going to change his mind. If he's not going in your direction, then get off the bus and wait for the right one.
2. Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for you will pursue you, and God's hand in your relationship will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord." (Proverbs 18:22) Note- who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time, God has transported men and women across the world in order to put them together. At the RIGHT TIME, he will bring that man on the scene and he will find you. In God's perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam had no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib. You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You do not have to help a guy out because he's shy! Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want.
The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of a great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested. Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man that love you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: "We love Him because He first loved us." 1John 4:19.
The right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust God's timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit pretty, and allow you to be found. Again, WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you- this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship.
3. The man in your life should not desire to move into your house, only in to your heart. A man who prepares for your future has made his intentions clear. A man who is husband material has the means to take care of a wife. He is responsible a responsible human being who understand he needs to have something to offer. In short, a man should have the means to be a suitable lover for you.
4. Check out his buddies. Everyone knows that birds of a feather flock together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a man and his friends. A man's pals tell you a lot about the person that you have not seen yet. They reveal things about the guy's character that might be hidden when he is not on good behavior. Everyone knows how to put his best foot forward. Do not stay focused on the foot, check out the rest of the body!
5. Check out his relationship with his mother. How does he treat her? This is your preview of how he will treat you. There are lots of men, who, because of a negative relationship with their mother, really do not like women, yet say they do. Unresolved issues between a mother and son will continue between husband and wife.
6. Remember that a man's family reveals the cloth from which he is cut. Take note and decide if you want your future with the man in your life to look like his present family situation.
7. Check out the patterns in his life. Do you see repeated cycles of drama in his personal kingdom? Broken relationships? Problems making commitments? Including the job market? Mood swings? Is a problem always someone else's fault? Does he embrace responsibility or shirk it? Does he keep his promises? Is he a man of good reputation? Remember all garments look wonderful hanging in the store, but with wear, some begin to unravel. Give yourself time and space to check out the man in your life. Time will always reveal whether or not his is made out of the right stuff.
8. Does this man have a vision for his life? Is he running with that vision? Remember, God decided Adam needed help once Adam got busy DOING his assignment. As we saw Adam, a man does not need help until he is busy doing what he was created and called to do. Is the man in your life guided by a sens of destiny and purpose, or does he just allow life to happen around him? A man who is not certain of his mission can be a most miserable person- and you will be miserable too if you don't know where YOU want to go in life. A man who has vision will not be intimidated by a woman whose mission statement is clear. He will be your best ally, cheerleader and assistant because he wants you both to make it! A man who cannot be supportive of your achievements because he is floundering in a sea of uncertainty over his own life is not a healthy partner to have and to hold forever.
9. Creating dependencies of feeling of obligation is not the way to get the best out of your man. Somewhere along the way, he will resent you and flee from the smothering burden of obligation he associates with you. You want a man who is firmly anchored in his identity in Christ. Remember, we are longing for a man who will be a leader in his home. His first instincts should be to want to cover you, redeem you, and provide for you. Your job is to decide if this is the man God has ordained for you to compliment.
Complimentary. Do your talents and gifts compliment his? Do his gifts compliment yours? What about your temperaments? Do you see the two of you as an effective team capable of bringing blessing to the lives of those around you? Do your futures mesh? Can you coordinate your gifts in an attractive and effective way? If the man makes you feel like you need to completely reinvent yourself, then something is wrong. This is where I ask you to consider your relationship in the terms of cost. Is this relationship expensive spiritually, emotionally or physically? Does your longing for a mate make you willing to forfeit who you are in the process? Or does he see you as the gift that you are?
The man in your life should consider you as a rare find, a priceless jewel- because of you, he is getting ready to get blessed big-time! Any relationship that causes you to feel unworthy, unloved, unacceptable, undesirable, or that you have to work for love is too expensive! God has called the man to cover, protect, and provide not only materially for a woman , but spiritually and emotionally as well. You should be richer in mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams.
10. Does he have a healthy love and acceptance for himself? Make sure the man in your life has taken time to heal from past relationships and has made peace with himself. How he cares for himself is how he will care for you. A man's relationship with God is crucial here. His love for himself will only be as strong as his love for God. That is not something you can impart. You cannot be his savior or teacher. If he is causing you to compromise your faith or destabilize your walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or causing you to be distracted from your commitment to Christ, the relationship is too expensive.
A PRAYER:
Dear Heavenly Father, I confess that I have not always been as careful as I should have been with my heart. From time to time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands. I now commit my heart into Your hands for safekeeping. Please help me to stop being so impulsive with what You deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your love for me, let me learn from Your example what a groom should really be like. Help me to never settle for less than what You desire for me. As I embrace You as the lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart. As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach me. I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast men I meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on my own understanding. I know that You know what is best for me; therefore, I yield to Your choice. In Jesus Name, Amen.
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