Don't Fall in Love!!

This post has been a long time in coming. The idea of falling in love is often the driving force behind women and men longing to be in relationships. We hear things such as, "it was love at first sight" or "I love being in love" or on the flip side, "I fell out of love." It is for that reason that I felt compelled to blog about the subject of falling in love. I think the world (and once again thank you Hollywood for twisting what love is into what it isn't and making millions believe the fairy tale) or many in the world, have it all wrong. I've asked young people claiming to be in love time and time again to give me reasons why they feel they are in love with their significant other and how they know that person is the One. I've heard things such as " they get me"(get you what?) , "they make me feel good" (um...I'm not touching that one! lol), "they make me laugh" (so do comedians), "they are good-looking" (not in 40 years), and my favorite, "I can't put it into words, I just know I'm in love." Now these are all fine responses I guess, but often times these answers remain surface level and we fail to look beyond them to the character traits that will ensure our relationships will last and that the person we're with has what it takes for that to happen.

What I'm getting at is that if you believe that you can fall IN love, then you believe you can fall OUT of love and if love is a feeling, then guess what?! That feeling could go away, right? How often have you heard couples divorcing say, "We just weren't in love anymore"? Or have you ever been dumped and the other person says "I fell out of love with you" or "I don't love you anymore." OUCH!

You know, sometimes my husband makes it quite difficult to 'feel' like I love him and I'm sure that more than once I've made it impossible for him to feel that way towards me too. Know why? Because we're humans, and we're flawed and we're going to act in un-loving ways. The way God intended perfect love to be was corrupted when a certain couple in a garden decided to take their lives into their own hands and disobey God. They chose to act un-loving towards the One that created them out of love. So sin enters into the world and it screws up what love was supposed to be and look like and daily we continue to do the same. And so we can't water down love to a feeling that someone gives us. Why? Because it's NOT a feeling. Love is a verb. It is active, it is action, it is a choice. We are commanded to "love one another" just as God has loved us. You can't command a feeling, you can't force a feeling, which is why Love can't be a feeling. But we can choose to love and whom we will love. And so you better make sure the one you're choosing to love is deserving of that love.

When we choose to love with that comes an array of things, some would call it blessings. Here's what I know. We give love with the hopes that we are loved in return in the same way and standard in which we are loving. When I realized while dating my hubby that loving him had turned into the kind of love that meant we were in this for the long haul there were no fireworks, lightning flashing across the sky, or angelic voices from heaven singing "Hallelujah, He's the One!" What there was though was a growing affection, an indescribable peace, mutual respect and admiration. I know those things may not sound as exciting as saying "We fell in love!" But those are things that I believe were about to ensure this relationship outlived the rest.

In our dating relationship I looked for, and found in him, those qualities that I recognized would sustain us being together long term. Those included: selflessness (he wanted me to pursue my dreams and actively supported me as I did so, he put others before him and my needs above his), respect (he didn't make me feel stupid, didn't try to change who I was, and really listened when I shared things with him even when we had differing opinions), forgiveness (I would need plenty of it, I'm a handful! And he didn't hold grudges), faith (he actively lived out his faith, he didn't just claim to be a Christian, he was, and that was important to me. I saw it in the way he lived his life, in the choices he made, in the relationships he had in his life, and in his commitment to being part of a fellowship with other Christian men, he was the real deal) and integrity (he was a man of his word, committed to his values and I saw that in his work and his personal life).

I could go on, but I think you get the point, or at least I hope you do. If you're looking to fall in love then you're going about it all wrong. Yes, we long to love and be loved. As women we long to feel as if we matter completely to another, that we're seen as beautiful and intelligent, that we're revered, protected, and appreciated. Those all come when we redefine how we see love, understand how God loves and how He expects us to love and be loved, and when we don't settle for anything less (settling...that's a whole other blog post!). The feelings that do come from being loved are what we explain as 'falling in love' and they are amazing, life changing, and enduring. However, my hope is that you take it slow, keep your eyes open, use wisdom and discernment as you embark on this journey. I will end by saying that this journey is best done with God, not apart from Him. As the author of love (after all, He IS Love) we have a lot to learn from Him. As we allow ourselves to be loved by Him, and in turn love him back, we can truly learn how to redefine and better understand love. He will never 'fall out of love' with us!

Disclaimer - you can disagree with this notion but I'll still love you ;-)