As promised in my prior post, here's my story on how I so wanted to find Mr. Right but I sure wasn't Ms. Right! See when I was single I looked around at all the marrieds in my life and found that what I wanted was a relationship such that my sisters and parents had. One where their marriages where founded upon each individual's relationship with Christ which was integral to the success of their unity. Their faith carried their relationships when troubles came and kept them grounded rather than throwing them into the chaos of uncertainty I saw in my married friends who did not share the same faith values.
Now, although that's what I wanted, here's what I was doing to try and attain that. I was still acting like I was in college, going out drinking and clubbing, in love with the idea of being in love, falling for guys with smooth words, good looks and little faith, hanging out with girlfriends that told me what I wanted to hear not what I needed to hear, and pining over lost/past loves. Sometimes I was even walking through doors God had closed (ok, I was kicking them open to be honest!).
Then something clicked. I finally got real with myself and admitted that my way had never worked. That I kept doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results...that is the definition of insanity right?! So I took a little sabbatical from dating and all those other distractions I kept in my life so I wouldn't have to face the deafening silence of loneliness. The reality that I wasn't as happy as I made everyone around me believe I was. The fact was I was lonely and tired of running around chasing a fairytale.
I spent a year journaling, reading, and praying. I finally got serious about my own personal relationship with God and slowly buy surely He began showing up in my life in small but significant ways. He was in the new friendships I made as I began attending a new church. He was in the wisdom that I gained that let me see when a guy was worth my time or would just lead me astray again. He was in the strength I gained to set and stick to physical and emotional boundaries with guys so as to not give away too much (or all of myself) too soon. He was in the new life that emerged whereby I no longer focused solely on finding my One, but rather focused on life as I was living it.
As I look back now I see how those small changes led to a drastic life alteration in which I emerged a completely different person. The nightlife lost its appeal and was replaced with fun nights of hanging out with friends in truly meaningful ways, basically doing life with like-minded people. My relationship with my sisters and parents improved as I could now see their tough love was their desire for the best out of my life. Even the way I talked and acted changed. That year was also the year I left my career in Higher Education behind prompted by God's leading to return to graduate school 1000 miles away from everything and everyone I knew. In that one very difficult decision, and for the first time being completely obedient to God no questions asked, my life finally found the peace and solace it had always craved. A certainty that I was exactly where I needed to be doing exactly what I was created to do.
It was that new me that finally attracted my hunny who had entered my life the year prior to all this. Ask him and he'll tell you how unappealing the old me was to him. How he was my friend but at times couldn't stand me. How when he came to visit me in graduate school with one of my friends (who by the way I was trying to set him up with) he said he encountered a vulnerable yet stronger woman who was fully relying on God and that was attractive to him. How my decision to be obedient to God showed him a woman who he could be with forever because he knew I was grounded in the same faith that led his life. We've been together ever since.
I look back at so many wasted years doing life my way with less than stellar results and how I feared giving up that life would make me a boring and unappealing woman. The miracle of faith is giving up the power to write our own story to allow the Great Author to take the pen; the story that emerges will be amazingly unimaginable . Sometimes I look back and it seems as if it never occurred. If I knew then what I know now...It's for that reason I blog.
Happy Holidays!
