Singles often think that once one gets married, there is no longer a need to think about singlehood. That we are able to shove that stage of our lives into the past...never to be considered again because let's be honest, we all have some craziness from our single days we would rather NEVER EVER revisit!
But I continue to think about singleness/hood. Not because I miss it but rather because as I look back on all the decisions I had to make as a single navigating the dating waters I realize that each one was monumental, integral, super important, even if at that time I didn't realize it. Questions had to be answered: Is this the guy for me? Should I wait and see if things in this relationship will get better or is it time to throw in the towel? Will he change? Should I change? Will my parents/sisters/ friends approve? And so on and so forth, the questions were endless as were the decisions. And the answers to each one MATTERED!
And as I do life with my husband I continue to see confirmation that making all those tough dating choices: choosing to be alone over being with the wrong guy, choosing to stay in on the weekend rather than go on a date to waste/pass the time, choosing to work on myself and my faith rather than on wasting energy trying to change the wrong guy into the right one, all those decisions led me to him - To the man that makes me laugh, is my biggest cheerleader, my supporter and encourager as I pursue my career and further my education, as I set goals and dream dreams. He is the father I hoped for the children I dreamed of having (watching him play with and love on our boy is that dream come to reality). And so the answers to all the tough questions DO matter...why?
Because those answers lead to decisions, decisions that in turn dictate the course of your life and the life long commitments you will need to make. Who will you marry? Who will you choose? Will you say yes to that ring and forever?? And with the answers to those questions, we put our dreams of happily ever after on one person with the HOPE that they are capable of giving that to us. And this is where many men and women fail....
We create a list of wants/needs, of non-negotiables, of qualities we are looking for in a husband or wife. We commit to be committed to these lists and then we become IMPATIENT. We allow exceptions to enter in and justify dating people who don't fit any of our criteria! With time we compromise our hopes and wants and settle for what is because of fear. Fear of never being loved, being alone, being rejected, being judged. We marry the wrong person....we live with regrets...we feel unhappy...we want the happiness others have...we want to change our partners (when we married them knowing full well what they were like)....we want what was never there...we want to create the life we dreamed of out of relationships that never had the foundation to make that dream a reality. In the end we hear folks say that they fell out of love, that they've changed and the relationship has changed, that it's not what it used be (when if they had been honest, it never was!), and that divorce must be the final solution (divorce..that's a whole other blog for marrieds!).
So to my singles out there...how to make sure you end up with YOUR happily ever after? How do you make sure you don't look back 2, 3, 10 years into your marriage and think...THIS is NOT what I wanted!
1. Get REAL - Get REALLY REAL! Take off the rose-colored glasses and take an honest assessment of yourself, of the dating decisions you're making, and of your current dating situation. If you're with someone who does NOT meet your expectations, your needs, has your value system and beliefs...GET OUT!
2. Quit Wasting Time - Putting a ring on your finger will NOT magically transform a man into the man you've always dreamed of having...heck to the NO it won't! YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR MAN! (that's yet another post!) Take them as they are or don't take them at all! If you're attracted to the wrong type of guy...and many of you are and KNOW IT...and you're reading this because you know it...then you KNOW you're just wasting your time and theirs...so stop the nonsense or stop complaining when you're disappointed again by them...you're driving those of us who have to rehash the drama with you crazy!
3. Warning Signs - are you seeing them or ignoring them? Ignore then = regret in the long run. I
4. Wisdom - God places some folks in your life that can also help with #1-3...however, many times we become stubborn and hard headed and don't want to listen to what anyone has to say about our dating choices even when it's out of love, care and concern. I'm here to tell you to put the ego aside and open yourself up to what others may be seeing in your dating life. Their observations may be God-given insight that He is using to help answer your prayers for love, happiness, a partner...so don't disregard...especially if you're asking for their advice and opinions and/or praying for answers!
The saddest thing for me to see and hear about is men and women marrying the wrong person for wrong reasons and hearing about the regrets they are living with years later. It happens...is happening...will continue to happen....check out this clip from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (because I'm obsessed with reality TV and how it confirms so many of the observations and lessons I've gained about life and love) as one of the wives shares her sadness with another wife who's marriage she envies and wishes she had:
So ladies...and maybe gentlemen reading this...if there are problems now..a ring won't fix it.
If your gf/bf doesn't love you how you need to be loved...a ring won't change that!
If you are not laughing and having fun with your gf/bf now...a ring won't fix it!
If you're hoping they will change after marriage...a ring won't change them!
If you don't have the same interests now...a ring won't change that!
If he/she can't take care of himself/herself now...a ring won't change that!
If there's drama now...a ring won't fix it!
A ring will not magically transform an unhealthy relationship into the one of your dreams. So quit focusing on the ring and marriage as the end results and the goals and begin focusing on the process and decisions you need to be making in your current or future dating situation to ensure that the ring CONFIRMS it. Confirms your commitment to each other.
AFFIRMS it. Affirms that this man/woman, as they are NOW, is who you want to be with forever.
DEMONSTRATES it. Demonstrates that you have both done the work, had the conversations, prayed and received confirmation that you are truly the Ones for each other.
CELEBRATES it. Celebrates the peace you both have, no doubts in your minds or hearts, that this person is the One you should be with forever.
No regrets ladies (and guys)...no regrets. That is my hope for you!
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