Get to Work - Part II

Sorry for the hiatus friends..a new job, a 4 month old, and a move has kept this little lady quite busy. So let's get into it quickly. Part two of doing the hard work necessary to create a relationship that is sustainable is all about figuring out what your negotiables and non-negotiables are from the person you're considering a forever with.

I give this advice to singles all the time, some take it, some don't, but time and time again, those that discard it later on come to realize the value in it. What are things you'll compromise or bend on or put up with (negotiables) and what are 'absolutely not gonna happen' things (non-negotiables)?

If you've never stopped to think about this, the work begins now cause chances are if you're following or reading my blog, you're thinking about these things. The reality is that you probably do have a list of these but call them something else. My challenge is to reflect on your non-negotiables, ensure they're realistic, and settle for NOTHING less! Your non-negotiables are closely linked to your values, faith, family, and culture. If you let these nons become negotiables, I truly believe this is how the cracks begin to form. Let me share my list of negotiables and non, so you get a picture of what I mean. Again, these were MINE at a specific time in my life when I was desiring a sustainable and "forever" relationship. Yours can and will be different.

Negotiables

• Where we'll live
• How we'll spend money (because there's always negotiating here)
• Where we'll worship (I married a Christian man who didn't speak Spanish and I grew up in a Spanish speaking church...we had to negotiate here so we could worship together!)
• Where we'll spend the holidays (2 sets of in-laws to please!)
•  What gets recorded on the DVR/Tivo
• Amount of time he spends with his "boys" and I spend in "girl time"
• How many kids we would have
• Politics - on some issues...that's a whole other blog but there are some areas of politics I can bend on and some I can't...'nuff said.

Non-Negotiables

• Religion - A man of Faith - I was not wanting someone going through a faith journey at the point when I was ready to settle down and begin a family. I needed a man that was grounded in his faith in Christ, that could pray with me and for me and not be ashamed of doing so. A man that said, "we will worship together, we will walk this journey together but always with God leading." I had dated plenty of guys that claimed they had a faith, that they were Christians, or that they believed in God....in the long run, their actions showed me their beliefs did not translate into action; our values were not the same and therefore how we faced life's hard choices would always be vastly different. "Until death do us part" is a long time to argue about which direction to take in life with a partner whose decisions are grounded in gut or feeling rather than in Christ.
• Porn - no way, no how!! A man that watched porn was not a man for me. Porn objectifies women, it doesn't see them as the beautiful, intelligent, purposeful women God created them to be but mere objects of lust and sex at a guy's whim. That's not how I wanted to be seen or have my future husband see women. 
• Abuse - physical, mental, emotional - any man that could inflict abuse on me was a no go! Often times women make excuses for these men (their past is to fault, their tempers, their actions are "accidents") but I was not going down that road. I was not pulling a Rihanna! A man that inflicts any kind of abuse needs a good psychologist and some healing, not a woman to be his punching bag. I would not put up with it nor subject my future kids to it. There is never a guarantee that an abuser will change and that wasn't a risk I was willing to take.
• A job/a passion/life goals with concrete plans for achieving them - this was a non-negotiable for me because I wanted a partner I could encourage along as he encouraged me in my own career, passions, ministry. I wanted a man who knew what God had called him to do and was living a life that demonstrated his joy in doing so. I could go on and on about this but for me, I sought stability, grounding and assurance in my future husband, not some guy flitting through life still trying to find purpose (reminder- I was about 26 with a career and 2 degrees under my belt when I started really desiring to be married and "settle down," I wasn't just entering the dating game) because I had already dated men like that and it was not my cup of tea. 
• Let me add - Living to work or working to live - workaholics need not apply because I wanted a present husband and future daddy to my kids not an absentee spouse/dad.
• Smoking/f-bombing/Clubbing/Getting Drunk - these are all rolled into one because it was a lifestyle I was a part of for years and one I didn't wish to revisit for myself or with a future spouse. I had left that lifestyle which left me pretty empty and with less cash in hand (drinks are pricey and so are cute outfits to go out in! lol) and found joy and peace in more purposeful things. I had found new ways to use the time, money, gifts and talents God had given me and was past that lifestyle. I've never looked back.

Hope this helps, singles! If the person you're dating is or has something on you non list, I say that's a red flag, and for me, a red flag meant walk away...I hope you pay attention to your nons and the red flags they highlight for you...now do work!!