Waiting on the One or Choosing the Wrong One?!

Came across this and all I can is...TRUTH! Waiting on the One...what she says is LEGIT!

No Regrets!

Soooo....I abandoned blogging last semester as life got crazy hectic with school, mommyhood and work. I have at least 4 posts I have started to write and promise...ok, no promises...'hope' to complete before 2012.

Singles often think that once one gets married, there is no longer a need to think about singlehood. That we are able to shove that stage of our lives into the past...never to be considered again because let's be honest, we all have some craziness from our single days we would rather NEVER EVER revisit!



But I continue to think about singleness/hood. Not because I miss it but rather because as I look back on all the decisions I had to make as a single navigating the dating waters I realize that each one was monumental, integral, super important, even if at that time I didn't realize it. Questions had to be answered: Is this the guy for me? Should I wait and see if things in this relationship will get better or is it time to throw in the towel? Will he change? Should I change? Will my parents/sisters/ friends approve? And so on and so forth, the questions were endless as were the decisions. And the answers to each one MATTERED!

And as I do life with my husband I continue to see confirmation that making all those tough dating choices: choosing to be alone over being with the wrong guy, choosing to stay in on the weekend rather than go on a date to waste/pass the time, choosing to work on myself and my faith rather than on wasting energy trying to change the wrong guy into the right one, all those decisions led me to him - To the man that makes me laugh, is my biggest cheerleader, my supporter and encourager as I pursue my career and further my education, as I set goals and dream dreams. He is the father I hoped for the children I dreamed of having (watching him play with and love on our boy is that dream come to reality). And so the answers to all the tough questions DO matter...why?

Because those answers lead to decisions, decisions that in turn dictate the course of your life and the life long commitments you will need to make. Who will you marry? Who will you choose? Will you say yes to that ring and forever?? And with the answers to those questions, we put our dreams of happily ever after on one person with the HOPE that they are capable of giving that to us. And this is where many men and women fail....

We create a list of wants/needs, of non-negotiables, of qualities we are looking for in a husband or wife. We commit to be committed to these lists and then we become IMPATIENT. We allow exceptions to enter in and justify dating people who don't fit any of our criteria! With time we compromise our hopes and wants and settle for what is because of fear. Fear of never being loved, being alone, being rejected, being judged. We marry the wrong person....we live with regrets...we feel unhappy...we want the happiness others have...we want to change our partners (when we married them knowing full well what they were like)....we want what was never there...we want to create the life we dreamed of out of relationships that never had the foundation to make that dream a reality. In the end we hear folks say that they fell out of love, that they've changed and the relationship has changed, that it's not what it used be (when if they had been honest, it never was!), and that divorce must be the final solution (divorce..that's a whole other blog for marrieds!).

So to my singles out there...how to make sure you end up with YOUR happily ever after? How do you make sure you don't look back 2, 3, 10 years into your marriage and think...THIS is NOT what I wanted!

1. Get REAL - Get REALLY REAL! Take off the rose-colored glasses and take an honest assessment of yourself, of the dating decisions you're making, and of your current dating situation. If you're with someone who does NOT meet your expectations, your needs, has your value system and beliefs...GET OUT!

2. Quit Wasting Time - Putting a ring on your finger will NOT magically transform a man into the man you've always dreamed of having...heck to the NO it won't! YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR MAN! (that's yet another post!) Take them as they are or don't take them at all! If you're attracted to the wrong type of guy...and many of you are and KNOW IT...and you're reading this because you know it...then you KNOW you're just wasting your time and theirs...so stop the nonsense or stop complaining when you're disappointed again by them...you're driving those of us who have to rehash the drama with you crazy!

3. Warning Signs - are you seeing them or ignoring them? Ignore then = regret in the long run. I remember seeing AND feeling the warning signs, red flags, whatever you want to call that which tells you DEEP DEEP down inside that this person IS NOT THE ONE...that's what you need to tap into. That's what you need to listen to and acknowledge...that is what should should drive your decision-making.

4. Wisdom - God places some folks in your life that can also help with #1-3...however, many times we become stubborn and hard headed and don't want to listen to what anyone has to say about our dating choices even when it's out of love, care and concern. I'm here to tell you to put the ego aside and open yourself up to what others may be seeing in your dating life. Their observations may be God-given insight that He is using to help answer your prayers for love, happiness, a partner...so don't disregard...especially if you're asking for their advice and opinions and/or praying for answers!

The saddest thing for me to see and hear about is men and women marrying the wrong person for wrong reasons and hearing about the regrets they are living with years later. It happens...is happening...will continue to happen....check out this clip from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (because I'm obsessed with reality TV and how it confirms so many of the observations and lessons I've gained about life and love) as one of the wives shares her sadness with another wife who's marriage she envies and wishes she had:


So ladies...and maybe gentlemen reading this...if there are problems now..a ring won't fix it.

If your gf/bf doesn't love you how you need to be loved...a ring won't change that!

If you are not laughing and having fun with your gf/bf now...a ring won't fix it!

If you're hoping they will change after marriage...a ring won't change them!

If you don't have the same interests now...a ring won't change that!

If he/she can't take care of himself/herself now...a ring won't change that!

If there's drama now...a ring won't fix it!

A ring will not magically transform an unhealthy relationship into the one of your dreams. So quit focusing on the ring and marriage as the end results and the goals and begin focusing on the process and decisions you need to be making in your current or future dating situation to ensure that the ring CONFIRMS it. Confirms your commitment to each other.













AFFIRMS it. Affirms that this man/woman, as they are NOW, is who you want to be with forever.

DEMONSTRATES it. Demonstrates that you have both done the work, had the conversations, prayed and received confirmation that you are truly the Ones for each other.

CELEBRATES it. Celebrates the peace you both have, no doubts in your minds or hearts, that this person is the One you should be with forever.

No regrets ladies (and guys)...no regrets. That is my hope for you!

A Tale of a Man and His One

This month I wanted to feature the male perspective to this journey to finding the One. My brother-in-law Sammy is a new church pastor of Arise Christian Church, a self proclaimed Nuyorican and one of the funniest and fun guys I know. He's down to earth, He loves God, he's a talented drummer, a Disney fanatic and best of all, he's my little sister's One and a soon to be daddy! Their relationship was an example to me as I was on my own journey in search, or waiting, for my One. I hope you enjoy and learn a little bit more...from a man's perspective.

1. How long have you and Hilda been married?
We’ve been happily married 6 1/2 years.

2. How long did you date?
We dated for about 1 year and 2 months, and were engaged for about 10 months.

3. How did you know she was the One?
To be perfectly honest, it was NOT immediately. Hilda and I have a humorous love story, one that we love to share with others. We met at our local church in Orlando as teenagers. We were friends for many years, and even went through a period of time where we did not like each other...at all. We each had our own relationships with other people, and little did we know we were each critiquing each others boyfriend/girlfriend. Our friendship turned into one of caring for each other, but we were each too “Nuyorican” to express it to one another.
One August Friday evening in 2001, after not seeing each other all summer, we found ourselves both single at the same time. We both expressed to one another that we were single, and I kid-you-not, it was like a movie: the heavens opened up, and the angles started singing “hallelujah.” (not literally, but you get the dramatic emphasis) It was like God softened our hearts, and our true feelings for each other came out, and the rest is history. On that evening, we both just knew. I cannot really explain it, and I’m sure reading this makes absolutely no sense, but it’s a true story.

4. What personality traits or characteristics did Hilda have that confirmed to you at that time that she was the One?
I would be lying if I didn’t say that I found Hilda to be absolutely beautiful, and I still do today. I admired her hard work and work ethic, her passion, and her humor. We would always find a way to laugh and have fun. She has a sincere love for the Lord, and that was an important quality that I wanted in a wife, and future mother. All in all, she was the missing link in my life. Little did I know that these traits and characteristics would be used to fulfill the calling that God has given us to be church planters.

5. What was being single like for you pre-Hilda? Did you date a lot, or not so much, did you date for fun, or were you always on the search for the One?
Oh my, this is a tough question to answer as a guy. Pre-Hilda was an adventure and growing experience for me. I realize now that God was preparing me for such a time as this. I did date women, and had long-term relationships. I did search for the One, and I didn’t want to get married “old.” It’s not that I did anything stupid or irresponsible, it was just that “pre-Hilda” was a period of learning and growth for “forever with Hilda.”

6. How do you feel God continues to confirm that Hilda is the One for you?
While we have much in common, it is also true that opposites attract. Hilda and I share a strong passion for God and ministry. It’s an AMAZING feeling to be involved in front-line ministry along side the one you love. Yet, our differences and individual strengths also compliment our relationship. We have learned the importance and value of teamwork throughout our marriage, and that just fortifies our love. The expectation of our first child in the next few months has opened up a whole new level of our relationship, and we’re having totally new discussions. And as a result, our love for each other continues to flourish and grow.

7. Any advice you would give young singles searching for the One?
Single men: man up!!! This 21st century culture needs real men: men that love God; men that give good testimony; men that do not live double-lives; men that are responsible; men that help cultivate a Christian home; men that honor the humanity, dignity, and dreams of women; men that are recovering “machos.” Marriage is more than just the wedding night and the honeymoon. Marriage is a responsibility and a covenant. You want to find the One? Get your life on track first.

8. Where did God fit into that journey for you?
I find myself resonating with Psalm 124, because if the Lord had not been on my side, who knows what kinds of story I would be sharing today. I thank God that in both my low moments and high moments I clung onto Him, and I praise Him even more because He responded, continually displaying that He is faithful. In all my life successes, in all my accomplishments, and in all my experiences, if the Lord had not been on my side, they would have meant nothing. The journey I was on is not over. I am still on it! I just feel blessed to have the One, so we can walk it together.

Then Love Came Along...

This week I'm featuring Lisa & Lucho. Such a fun and sweet couple. Spending time with them I truly see unconditional love and true friendship lived out in their marriage. A young couple on the brink of celebrating their 1 year anniversary this Valentine's Day, Lisa & Lucho may be young but their Godly wisdom led them to make some very important decisions for their lives. I hope you enjoy Lisa's love story.

1. How long have you and Lucho been married?

Lucho and I will be married for a one year this Sunday, on Valentine's Day! :) February 14th.

2. How long did you date?

We were friends for three months and then dated for a year exactly before we got married.

3. How did you know he was the One?

Both Lucho and I told each other before we started to date that we were not going to date just to date, but we wanted to be heading somewhere. I knew that he had every quality of what I wanted in a husband. I did not want to date someone that I could not see myself married to. After a while of dating, we both talked about marriage, and I definitely could see myself with him for the rest of my life. I had been praying about him ever since I met him. I wanted to be sure before we started dating that this was God's will for me and I felt peace about dating him. While we were dating, I always was praying that if Lucho was not the man for me then he would close the doors, but everything was going so right and I could see that this was God's will.

4. What personality traits or characteristics that Lucho have that confirmed to you at that time that he was the One?

When I was younger my youth leader made us make a list of the characteristics we wanted in a husband. What we put down on that list she told us to never settle for anything less then what we deserved. I kept that list for a long time, but then lost it at one point. When I was dating Lucho I had found it again and everything that I had written on that list Lucho had... it was pretty cool to see that. Some traits were that he had to be a Christian, a man after God's own heart (I was not going to date anyone that was not a Christian), caring, sweet, loyal, thoughtful, funny, my best friend, someone who made me feel special, someone to challenge me and make me a better person, someone that was always there for me no matter what, and a man that was going to be a leader for both he and I. All of these characteristics and more describe Lucho, and God blessed me beyond anything that I could have even imagine, because it was God's will and not mine.

5. What was being single like for you pre-Lucho? Did you date a lot, or not so much, did you date for fun, or were you always on the search for the One?

I did not date a lot, but I did date guys with the mindset that they had to be Christian. I never really dated just for fun, but I was always wondering who I was going to marry and when I was going to meet him. I enjoyed being single at that time and I feel that while I was single I grew a lot with my walk with the Lord. I see now that I needed to be single for a while to be able to trust in the Lord with all my heart and to rely on him for everything. When I fully let go of everything and gave it to God shortly after that I met Lucho. I can see now how God's hand was in that whole process.

6. How do you feel God continues to confirm that Lucho is the One for you?

I feel that God confirms it in that every day I wake up knowing that I am blessed to have Lucho in my life, and that Lucho makes me the happiest that I could ever be. He brings out the best in me and always challenges me to do my best in everything I do and do it for the Lord. I have never been happier in my life than being married to him.

7. Any advice you would give young singles searching for the One?

PRAY! God will bring the man into your life when he feels that it is the right time for you. I know that it is hard to wait, but when you do wait on God, he will bring you someone that is the best for you. His timing is perfect. It may not be the timing you want it to be, but his timing is better than ours is. WAIT ON GOD, AND HE WILL BLESS YOU. :) Be comfortable with being single and stop worrying and searching for the One. When God wants you to meet him, you will. Relax, and wait on God.

8. Where did God fit into that journey for you?

I grew up in church and both sides of my family are Christians but I did not really give my heart to God until I was in middle school. Then after that, my relationship with God grew. This is when I realized what praying, reading the word, and trusting God really meant. Then God was always in the forefront everything I did. I have failed a time or two when thinking that my way was better than his, but soon after that I realized I was wrong and that I need him for everything. I still mess up, but God always brings me back to the right road again and forgives me with his loving grace. I would not be the women that I am today without God in my life.

God has seen Lucho and I through everything so far and we would not be where we are today without him. He is at the center of our relationship and Lucho and I cannot love each other without first loving God. So... "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understandings; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Heather & Brannen...Love Unexpected

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Heather and Brannen are amazing friends of ours who moved across the country (and way too far from me!!) to Austin, TX to do some great work in that city...check it out here. I asked Heather to share about her own life's journey and how it led her to Brannen....I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did!

1. How long have you and Brannen been married?
5 years on June 11th.

2. How long did you date?
We were friends for 6 months, then dated for a year and a half before marriage.

3. How did you know he was the One?
I wouldn't say it was a "moment" but a period of time. When I got to know him and saw how much he really submitted to the Lord, I found comfort in putting my life in his hands and being married to him. For me, realizing that I trusted him enough that I would go anywhere, and do anything with him was the realization for me that he was the one. I knew that no matter what, God had given me a husband to journey through the good times and the obstacles of life with. (Now, years later good thing I trusted him because we ended up leaving the home I was raised and moved to Austin, Tx to start a church!) Not exactly my comfort zone, leaving everything I knew behind, but being with a man that I know submits to God about everything, makes it easy for me to be willing to move anywhere and do anything for him.

4. What personality traits or characteristics did Brannen have which confirmed to you at that time that he was the One?

1) Submitting to God. If a man or woman says they love God but don't show geniune submission and sacrifice for God, then run the other way. 2) Humility. I would say alot of women overlook humility. In fact, I wasn't particularly looking for this trait in a man. However, when I met Brannen his life was full of humility. The natural product of humility is a servant-heart. My advice would be to look for a man or woman who has a pattern of servanthood, otherwise they won't make a good husband or wife. If one person is a servant and the other is selfish, this will lead to an abusive relationship - emotionally and even physically and/or sexually. Futher, if a woman is prideful she won't let her husband lead, if a man is prideful then he'll lead a family selfishly. Humility is in my book the number one thing I would go back and look for.

5. What was being single like for you pre-Brannen? Did you date a lot, or not so much, did you date for fun, or were you always on the search for the One?
Before Brannen I dated a few guys for briefly. However, I dated one guy pretty seriously - as serious as a high school relationship can be I guess. I wouldn't say I was ever the girl that couldn't wait to get married. Finding a man wasn't priority number one in my life. I was really busy in my life with soccer and school, so I had little time to think about a relationship. In fact, I still remember my girlfriends telling me that I would be the last one out of our group to get married. In deed, God has a sense of humor and I ended up being the first one to get married out of my friends. I believe when you are content in God and not being absorbed by wanting/needing a man or woman then God can bless that in his timing if we are truly dependent on him alone.

6. How do you feel God continues to confirm that Brannen is the One for you?
Everyday, I wake up and think about how blessed I am. I know most married people might say something like, "Don't get married," or have some negative remark about marriage. However, for me I have loved being married to a man that constantly serves me and leads me well. I once heard my professor say, "I wouldn't mind submitting to a man, if I found one who was worth submitting to." In my opinion there are 3 things that are a MUST in any relationship. 1) Seeking God 2) Trust 3) Humility. If one of these is lacking, I would run the opposite direction. God shows me everyday that Brannen is the one for me in the little things Brannen does each day to show his love. Little things like serving me, complimenting me, and when I see Brannen's character and his pursuit after God - I'm 100 percent convinced he is the one God has for me.

7. Any advice you would give young singles searching for the One?
I would say, be patient, enjoy single life and the stage that God has you in. I look back and think about all the fun I had when I was single. I know many women just want to hurry up and get married; however, God uses you and chooses to make an impact through you at the stage of life you are in. Now, I love being married and having a little boy and God is using me at this stage in my life. So I guess I'm trying to say, be dependent upon God because you will see His will for your life through giving up everything to him. Another must is prayer, let God know what you are looking for. Also, read read read. Study the word, read books on dating and marriage. Seek the counsel of those who have been where you are. I would also say a must is to write down a list of characteristics that you want to look for in a man.

8. Where did God fit into that journey for you?
I was not raised in church, and gave my life to Jesus in my teens. When entering college, I'd say I made my first real attempt to whole heartedly seek after God. Previously to this, I had just come out of a pretty big party stage and at this point was now ready to give everything over to God. I pursued God not a relationship and that's when I met Brannen. The funny thing is I wasn't really interested in dating at the time and I thought he was "alright." :) I still laugh now because I am madly in love with Brannen, and once I saw how he pursued Christ I definitely fell hard for him.

If I could end by saying - It's easy when you're in love to be fooled by a person. It's not so easy for that person to fool your family, friends and those around you. Therefore, seek out Godly counsel on whether the man/woman you are dating is right for you. If you are the only one that thinks the person you are dating is amazing, then you just might be in a blurry cloud of love that's not true love and not a healthy or godly relationship to be in.

Thank you Heather!!

Mr. Right...not Mr. Right Now!

Friday, November 13, 2009


One of my sorority sisters sent me this awesome article on how women can figure out if a man is the Right Man (no idea where she got it or I would reference it). I think it has some very valuable and practical advice and I must say that I agree with it. Many of these points were things I considered and thought through when I realized I was ready to get married and wanted to make sure I ended up with the right man. Basically, it helped weed out the duds. It's worth the read if it'll save one more lady from ending up with the wrong man!

The Right Man

First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking...and second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual basis before it's made on an emotional one. "What about Love? Shouldn't that be the third?" you ask. No, and I'll tell you why. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9.

Your Heart:

The heart is willful and driven by its own agenda. It does not consider things rationally and intelligently-it just loves to love! Therefore, you have to point it in the right direction: "Above all else, guard your heart. For it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23. Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from God, check out his attributes and then allow your heart to engage. Dating exists not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe that the biblical design would be friendship, courtship, and then marriage. Friendship is two people walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing together. Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another exclusively- it is the decisive turning toward the agreed upon goal of the marriage alter. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life together after marriage. But dating? Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to gather facts.

1. Check out the fabric. Is this person mate material? Does this man have an intimate relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ? Does he care what God thinks about his behavior? Is he accountable to God as well as another co-laborer in faith? Accountability is an important factor. It is imperative to maintaining a committed relationship. Is your potential spouse a member of the same family-the family of God? Scripture is clear on this: "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with the darkness?" (2 Cor 6:14)

We need to have common interests and values and agree on the essentials of living day to day. You have to have a similar spiritual walk. You have to have the same spiritual diet. You enjoy a lot of similar things. You have like interests, like goals in life, like opinions on basic life issues. You have had like experiences in your background. Though there is some truth in the idiom that opposites attract, like minded folks fare better together. Furthermore, does he want to get married? If you want to be married and your dreamboat isn't interested, don't waste your time.

Remember, women fall in love and get married. Men decide to get married then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously. You aren't going to change his mind. If he's not going in your direction, then get off the bus and wait for the right one.

2. Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for you will pursue you, and God's hand in your relationship will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord." (Proverbs 18:22) Note- who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time, God has transported men and women across the world in order to put them together. At the RIGHT TIME, he will bring that man on the scene and he will find you. In God's perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam had no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib. You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You do not have to help a guy out because he's shy! Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want.

The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of a great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested. Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man that love you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: "We love Him because He first loved us." 1John 4:19.

The right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust God's timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit pretty, and allow you to be found. Again, WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you- this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship.

3. The man in your life should not desire to move into your house, only in to your heart. A man who prepares for your future has made his intentions clear. A man who is husband material has the means to take care of a wife. He is responsible a responsible human being who understand he needs to have something to offer. In short, a man should have the means to be a suitable lover for you.

4. Check out his buddies. Everyone knows that birds of a feather flock together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a man and his friends. A man's pals tell you a lot about the person that you have not seen yet. They reveal things about the guy's character that might be hidden when he is not on good behavior. Everyone knows how to put his best foot forward. Do not stay focused on the foot, check out the rest of the body!

5. Check out his relationship with his mother. How does he treat her? This is your preview of how he will treat you. There are lots of men, who, because of a negative relationship with their mother, really do not like women, yet say they do. Unresolved issues between a mother and son will continue between husband and wife.

6. Remember that a man's family reveals the cloth from which he is cut. Take note and decide if you want your future with the man in your life to look like his present family situation.

7. Check out the patterns in his life. Do you see repeated cycles of drama in his personal kingdom? Broken relationships? Problems making commitments? Including the job market? Mood swings? Is a problem always someone else's fault? Does he embrace responsibility or shirk it? Does he keep his promises? Is he a man of good reputation? Remember all garments look wonderful hanging in the store, but with wear, some begin to unravel. Give yourself time and space to check out the man in your life. Time will always reveal whether or not his is made out of the right stuff.

8. Does this man have a vision for his life? Is he running with that vision? Remember, God decided Adam needed help once Adam got busy DOING his assignment. As we saw Adam, a man does not need help until he is busy doing what he was created and called to do. Is the man in your life guided by a sens of destiny and purpose, or does he just allow life to happen around him? A man who is not certain of his mission can be a most miserable person- and you will be miserable too if you don't know where YOU want to go in life. A man who has vision will not be intimidated by a woman whose mission statement is clear. He will be your best ally, cheerleader and assistant because he wants you both to make it! A man who cannot be supportive of your achievements because he is floundering in a sea of uncertainty over his own life is not a healthy partner to have and to hold forever.

9. Creating dependencies of feeling of obligation is not the way to get the best out of your man. Somewhere along the way, he will resent you and flee from the smothering burden of obligation he associates with you. You want a man who is firmly anchored in his identity in Christ. Remember, we are longing for a man who will be a leader in his home. His first instincts should be to want to cover you, redeem you, and provide for you. Your job is to decide if this is the man God has ordained for you to compliment.

Complimentary. Do your talents and gifts compliment his? Do his gifts compliment yours? What about your temperaments? Do you see the two of you as an effective team capable of bringing blessing to the lives of those around you? Do your futures mesh? Can you coordinate your gifts in an attractive and effective way? If the man makes you feel like you need to completely reinvent yourself, then something is wrong. This is where I ask you to consider your relationship in the terms of cost. Is this relationship expensive spiritually, emotionally or physically? Does your longing for a mate make you willing to forfeit who you are in the process? Or does he see you as the gift that you are?

The man in your life should consider you as a rare find, a priceless jewel- because of you, he is getting ready to get blessed big-time! Any relationship that causes you to feel unworthy, unloved, unacceptable, undesirable, or that you have to work for love is too expensive! God has called the man to cover, protect, and provide not only materially for a woman , but spiritually and emotionally as well. You should be richer in mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams.

10. Does he have a healthy love and acceptance for himself? Make sure the man in your life has taken time to heal from past relationships and has made peace with himself. How he cares for himself is how he will care for you. A man's relationship with God is crucial here. His love for himself will only be as strong as his love for God. That is not something you can impart. You cannot be his savior or teacher. If he is causing you to compromise your faith or destabilize your walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or causing you to be distracted from your commitment to Christ, the relationship is too expensive.

A PRAYER:

Dear Heavenly Father, I confess that I have not always been as careful as I should have been with my heart. From time to time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands. I now commit my heart into Your hands for safekeeping. Please help me to stop being so impulsive with what You deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your love for me, let me learn from Your example what a groom should really be like. Help me to never settle for less than what You desire for me. As I embrace You as the lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart. As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach me. I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast men I meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on my own understanding. I know that You know what is best for me; therefore, I yield to Your choice. In Jesus Name, Amen.

A Dream Not Worth Chasing

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sorry this has taken me so long. Life has been crazy busy and the mind too drained to think clearly. I finally have some down time to write about reflections I've had about what may seem like the best dream that could ever come true...if it weren't so darn elusive!

I've heard stories about, as well as encountered, many young women who believe that marriage is the end goal, the end result after 'doing their time' through many a single night, home alone, pining for love that is to be, while watching some Romantic tear jerker of a movie that reinforces the all too false notion of love that Hollywood has brainwashed us into believing is reality (although I admit that I'm sucker for these movies, I am fully aware there is rarely anything to learn from how they portray love and marriage).

So these young women live their lives striving for this one goal, living in a constant search for the guy that will allow them to have the wedding day they've dreamed of, in the church they have already reserved in their minds and wearing that great white dress they have designed down to the last stitch of fabric....ugh! Sorry to sound cynical but come on ladies! That is not what we were created for!

So often women are so focused on making this dream a reality that they quit truly living. Their lives are characterized by whether or not they are in a relationship, which ultimately defines who they are and whether or not they are happy. They place all the stress of their own dreams, longings for love, definitions of true love and true happiness on some poor unsuspecting guy who is simply wanting to enjoy her company and get to know her. We women go from date 1 immediately to the wedding day and evaluating whether or not this is the man that can give us our happily ever after.

Oh how it saddens me. In our singleness there is so much we can do and accomplish without the stresses and responsibilities of a husband and kids. Now don't get me wrong, I love my hubby and kid, but I chose to get married later in life and definitely accomplished and did much during my 20s. Marriage, ladies, is not and should not be the end goal because it's not the end. Marriage is a continuation of life, an entrance into a new stage of it, and a commitment that will alter all aspects of your life as you now know it. This message is not for those of you already in serious relationships, about to enter in marriage (I hope you've already come to understand all that I'm writing about and 'get it' and have found your One).

This is for all those single ladies out there wasting away thoughts and energy believing that a wedding day and subsequent marriage will bring about all the happiness in the world, wiping away all sadness and filling their lives with joy unspeakable, always and forever. The problem with that thought is that no man can do that and sustain it day after day, hour after hour. Have you ladies been dating?! Guys are flawed, and we are just as well, if not more so! Often, we're just one great big hot mess of a female! And then we think that by walking down the aisle, saying "I do." and wearing a rock of diamond, that our lives will enter into the happily ever after....SIIIKE! Divorce rates alone will tell you it ain't so!

I love being married. I'm an advocate for it. But I believe marriage is right at the right time. I believe in order to know how to love and be loved we must first understand what love is and what it looks and 'feels' like. So for that I turn to the Maker of Love, the One that is Love, the only One that can give us our happily ever after....the lover of my soul...God. Yes, I went there, stick with me!

In my singleness I too spent lots and lots and LOTS of time and energy and thought dating the wrong guys, hoping that in them I would find all the happiness in the world and a fulfillment that I believed came from being in a relationship. Although I have learned much since those days, the greatest lesson I found was that there was no way I could find the joy and peace and love I wanted if I didn't get serious about who God was in my life. I needed to step aside and let God in. It was as I struggled through my 20s to understand who God was, and crying out that I needed to 'feel' him in order to trust him with my heart, that I began to change the way I viewed relationships and ultimately shifted my understanding of love and happiness. I must have been a rarity since I didn't long for marriage until my late 20s, never dreamed of my wedding day, never drooled over a bridal mag and some white gown, nope not me. But I did long to be loved and did think that I could find all I wanted and needed in a boyfriend. And as I dated men, and 'dated' God, I found more fulfillment in my relationship with God. As I drew closer to Him, I began to understand how to rightly draw closer to a guy.

As I learned more about who God was, I learned more about who I was, as created by Him, and what my purpose was in life. I learned how to better recognize the good guys by understanding the importance of character, values, morals, and observing where their time was being invested. Where God was in their life was easier to deem important because I had moved God into my own.

In that process, I changed, became more dependent on God, no longer on a guy, stronger in my singleness, less pissed off about another Friday night home alone, no longer willing to settle for mere male companionship to pass the time. I created new friendships that supported and cared for me and drew my life and mind into new opportunities for serving others, and away from serving my own needs and quite frankly from being so 'boy crazy'. And in this shift I discovered who I was supposed to be. Me, not me and a boyfriend, not my husband to be, I found Me, as God intended me to be. And in knowing myself, I came to better understand what role a man could and should play in my life versus the role God will always play. I learned what true love was and stopped being a brat about it and thinking that if a boyfriend didn't make me a priority he didn't love me, and I could fight with him into changing that. Oh, I learned a lot throughout those years (yes, years, I was single for a while and that was ok, I made it through and it was worth it!).

The point is that far too many of us spent or are currently spending all our time stressing about love lost, or love to come and not living in the moment or caring that God may be drawing us to something greater than we could ever imagine. We're so wrapped up in chasing this dream of marriage that we may be missing out on so many other experiences that God has in store for us. Experiences He wants and needs for us to have. Experiences that He has created uniquely for us, for some purpose, and I dare say, probably very important purposes.

Why is this important? Why don't I just leave you alone to sulk and be pissed off cause you feel God forgot about you? Because he hasn't! Because he knows your heart and your longings. He sure as heck knows you long for that dream of finding the One, yet he longs to ensure that you have become the woman worthy of that dream. The woman He has in mind, that can give and receive Love, that can support and be supported, that has come to know who she is, and is confident in knowing what God has called her to do and that when the time comes can recognize whether a guy is Mr Right (the One) or Mr. Oh So Wrong Thank You I'll Pass, next! A woman whose faith is so strong that she knows she's not forgotten, that her prayers will be answered, and until that day says, "Here I am God, what's next." You never know what that next may be....