What happens when...

My mom is a stroke survivor. She lived through two strokes which left her incapacitated, unable to walk, talk, care of herself, and fed through a tube. My dad cares for her. She's not in a nursing home, she doesn't have a nurse, she has my dad. My sisters and I help, when he lets us and allows himself a break. I doubt when he and mom married they thought this is what their retirement would look like. Yet, here they are, in an inconvenient, uncomfortable, difficult, and unexpected situation. I wouldn't wish this on any couple. My dad won't leave her to anyone else to care for. "In sickness and in health" weren't just words to him. They were, and continue to be his vow, his promise, his truth to mom. He doesn't complain, he doesn't play the victim, he celebrates mom's life and is committed to ensuring her comfort and happiness. He is selfless, stubborn, constant, trustworthy, committed. He is my example.

So what happens when the unexpected occurs? What happens when the happily ever after looks different than what you dreamed of?

I pray, hope, challenge each reader to consider when dating and then believing someone is your "one" to ask yourself, if the above happened to you would they stay or would they go? Would they resent you? Would they feel cheated out of their happily ever after? Would you, if the roles were reversed?

We will age, the unexpected may occur, illness may be in our futures. When choosing, choose wisely, prayerfully, take your time, make sure the vows you hope to hear one day do not end up being empty words.

I hope that if you're seeking love (which if you're reading this, you probably are), that you may come to know and experience the kind of love I have been privileged to be a part of and product of. The kind that mere words can't explain but when you see it, as I see it each time I look at mom and dad, there is no doubt that it is real and worth waiting for.

When You Least Expect It....

How often have you heard that one?! You'll find the one....when you least expect it. Or...When you're not looking he/she will show up! I hated those phrases when I was single! I hated them because I was expecting, and actively looking...I.was.on.the.prowl! Ok, maybe not so cat-like but I was definitely keeping my eyes out for my one. And I thought I had found my one...and more than once I might sadly add.

But of course, hind sight is 20/20 and tonight I share my insight into the whole idea of, "You'll find the one when you least expect it." I'm coming at this from my own experience because it highlights for me the truth of that statement. Here's the thing...One day, I stopped searching, expecting, looking, waiting for the one. I decided instead to set my heart on the One (Christ) cause I had been running and playing games with that relationship for way too many years.

• When I stopped looking for the one, I freed up time (mental, emotional, spiritual) to spend with the One. No more worrying about when or if I would have date or someone pining over me...just me and the Big Guy upstairs, chilling.

• As I spent time with the One, I discovered purpose.

• As I discovered purpose, my mind and heart's desires were transformed, renewed, reshaped.

• My desires shifted from wanting/needing to find love for myself, to giving/sharing Love with others.

• As I shared Love with others I became outward focused...servant minded.

• Being outward focused opened me up to new relationships, new adventures, took me places I never imagined I would go (umm, can we say seminary up in freezing cold and dreary Indiana?!).

• When I was focused on the One, I was free, at peace, fearless, confident in my place/purpose in this world, submitted- not My will Lord, but yours. The old me, gone...just me and my One and whatever was to come. < - sometimes I drop sweet rhymes!

• When I was focused on the One, it was no longer all about me...and then it happened...when I wasn't looking, when I least expected it....Bobby.

Although my husband knew me for 2 years before we began dating, he will tell you how unattractive I was to him (btw I wasn't doing any double takes for him either!). He saw in me a difficult young woman, stubbornly opinionated, domineering, shallow, selfish, and I'll throw in prideful. And so while he wasn't looking (at me), and while I was outward/upward focused, it happened....because the young woman I became was the kind of young woman that could be loved...because I learned to love. To love without expecting anything in return, to see others as Christ sees them/me...imperfect, broken, hurting, and yet completely, unconditionally loveable.

I had learned that it was never about me but about me serving and sharing that Love with others. And to Bobby, that was beautiful. Not only that, as my heart and mind changed, I saw men through new eyes; what was once attractive was now unappealing, what mattered now...heart, authentic faith, humility.

So yea, when you least expect it...when you aren't looking...it could happen....

 

Get to Work - Part II

Sorry for the hiatus friends..a new job, a 4 month old, and a move has kept this little lady quite busy. So let's get into it quickly. Part two of doing the hard work necessary to create a relationship that is sustainable is all about figuring out what your negotiables and non-negotiables are from the person you're considering a forever with.

I give this advice to singles all the time, some take it, some don't, but time and time again, those that discard it later on come to realize the value in it. What are things you'll compromise or bend on or put up with (negotiables) and what are 'absolutely not gonna happen' things (non-negotiables)?

If you've never stopped to think about this, the work begins now cause chances are if you're following or reading my blog, you're thinking about these things. The reality is that you probably do have a list of these but call them something else. My challenge is to reflect on your non-negotiables, ensure they're realistic, and settle for NOTHING less! Your non-negotiables are closely linked to your values, faith, family, and culture. If you let these nons become negotiables, I truly believe this is how the cracks begin to form. Let me share my list of negotiables and non, so you get a picture of what I mean. Again, these were MINE at a specific time in my life when I was desiring a sustainable and "forever" relationship. Yours can and will be different.

Negotiables

• Where we'll live
• How we'll spend money (because there's always negotiating here)
• Where we'll worship (I married a Christian man who didn't speak Spanish and I grew up in a Spanish speaking church...we had to negotiate here so we could worship together!)
• Where we'll spend the holidays (2 sets of in-laws to please!)
•  What gets recorded on the DVR/Tivo
• Amount of time he spends with his "boys" and I spend in "girl time"
• How many kids we would have
• Politics - on some issues...that's a whole other blog but there are some areas of politics I can bend on and some I can't...'nuff said.

Non-Negotiables

• Religion - A man of Faith - I was not wanting someone going through a faith journey at the point when I was ready to settle down and begin a family. I needed a man that was grounded in his faith in Christ, that could pray with me and for me and not be ashamed of doing so. A man that said, "we will worship together, we will walk this journey together but always with God leading." I had dated plenty of guys that claimed they had a faith, that they were Christians, or that they believed in God....in the long run, their actions showed me their beliefs did not translate into action; our values were not the same and therefore how we faced life's hard choices would always be vastly different. "Until death do us part" is a long time to argue about which direction to take in life with a partner whose decisions are grounded in gut or feeling rather than in Christ.
• Porn - no way, no how!! A man that watched porn was not a man for me. Porn objectifies women, it doesn't see them as the beautiful, intelligent, purposeful women God created them to be but mere objects of lust and sex at a guy's whim. That's not how I wanted to be seen or have my future husband see women. 
• Abuse - physical, mental, emotional - any man that could inflict abuse on me was a no go! Often times women make excuses for these men (their past is to fault, their tempers, their actions are "accidents") but I was not going down that road. I was not pulling a Rihanna! A man that inflicts any kind of abuse needs a good psychologist and some healing, not a woman to be his punching bag. I would not put up with it nor subject my future kids to it. There is never a guarantee that an abuser will change and that wasn't a risk I was willing to take.
• A job/a passion/life goals with concrete plans for achieving them - this was a non-negotiable for me because I wanted a partner I could encourage along as he encouraged me in my own career, passions, ministry. I wanted a man who knew what God had called him to do and was living a life that demonstrated his joy in doing so. I could go on and on about this but for me, I sought stability, grounding and assurance in my future husband, not some guy flitting through life still trying to find purpose (reminder- I was about 26 with a career and 2 degrees under my belt when I started really desiring to be married and "settle down," I wasn't just entering the dating game) because I had already dated men like that and it was not my cup of tea. 
• Let me add - Living to work or working to live - workaholics need not apply because I wanted a present husband and future daddy to my kids not an absentee spouse/dad.
• Smoking/f-bombing/Clubbing/Getting Drunk - these are all rolled into one because it was a lifestyle I was a part of for years and one I didn't wish to revisit for myself or with a future spouse. I had left that lifestyle which left me pretty empty and with less cash in hand (drinks are pricey and so are cute outfits to go out in! lol) and found joy and peace in more purposeful things. I had found new ways to use the time, money, gifts and talents God had given me and was past that lifestyle. I've never looked back.

Hope this helps, singles! If the person you're dating is or has something on you non list, I say that's a red flag, and for me, a red flag meant walk away...I hope you pay attention to your nons and the red flags they highlight for you...now do work!!

Wise Words

Saw this today on Facebook. Had to share...

Marriage is Not the Answer

 Three years ago I wrote about how marriage is not a dream worth chasing...yep, it's not! Stick with me here singles! So many ladies (and guys too) focus on it as their ultimate goal among goals and believe that in attaining it all their hopes and dreams will be realized.  And let's be honest, many really just want the ring, the dress (do guys dream of their tux?), the wedding day and don't think beyond the honeymoon. Few think about doing the work necessary in their dating relationships to ensure a forever marriage...yes there's work (future blog!).  So if marriage is your answer you got it twisted! You can read all about that crazy thinking here.

Today I came across this little nugget posted on FB which basically says the same thing, but it's written by a licensed professional counselor specializing in relationships...in case you need a pro to confirm what I keep saying! "Marriage Doesn't Solve Your Problems".

I hope those who expect their happiness and fulfillment to come via their wedding day/marriage will take some time to read the aforementioned links. I hope even more deeply that you discover what God has created you to be and do because in that lies the eternal happiness and peace we all long for.

Hindsight is 20/20

Sorry for my long absence! Baby #2 has arrived, I'm getting ready to graduate...again, and summer is upon us which means more time to blog...yay!!! Here's a little something for you singles....

They say hindsight is 20/20 and I read a quote by Philip Yancey that said, "I have learned that faith means trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse." These two little sayings couldn't be more true than when facing a single life longing for love and wondering what God is up to, IF he's up to anything at all (Pssst- He always is!). 

In the spirit of "looking back", I came across this awesomely written letter that perfectly stated what I would say to my younger, single self if that were to be a possibility...I could have used this during some very lonely and hopeless days during my singleness....I hope it encourages my singles out there!

"A Letter to My Younger Self"

Do You Believe in Fairytales?

I've said it time and time again on this blog...some singles have a warped perception of marriage and love driven by the fairytale Hollywood presents us via "Chick Flicks" and romantic comedies. Check out this spoken word on the same topic. Remember singles, you don't work to achieve the wedding day, you work towards a marriage that lasts a lifetime!

What She Learned About Relationships in 2011

Check out this great blog post by a single, just like many of you out there, learning a lot from observing successful, and some not so successful relationships. She has some great advice...much of which I have spilled throughout the years on this blog. A high five to this lady!! What she learned...

Happy New Year

 Happy New Year Singles! Ready to make some changes in the dating department? Ready to face this new year? Ready for a fresh start? Since so many see New Year's as the time to make changes, let's make those changes count!! I wrote a New Year's blog 2 years ago that is full of the same advice I would give you all today. So why rewrite it? Just check it out!!