Mending a Broken Heart

Saturday, December 26, 2009

'Tis the season to be a jolly but the fact is that for some folks out there jolly is far from how they're feeling right now. Back in college I had my heart broken on Christmas eve by a boy I was head over heels for. He single-handedly RUINED my Christmas for the next few years...darn you stupid boy! LOL. But I survived, I recovered, my heart healed and so I figured I would list some things to do/and NOT do post-break-up so as to avoid the make-up break up cycle we inevitably enter into that leads to NO WHERE since these guys aren't the ONES for us. (btw...I give credit for some of this list to the boy who broke my heart...some of these were his rules and they really did help me 'get it' and move on.)

1. Do NOT communicate with him! No texting, iming, tweeting, facebooking, calling, message in a bottle...you get the pic. The whole, "I just want to see how he's doing" is lame. Want to know how he's doing? He dumped you, he's thinking what video game should I play next, what are the boys doing tonight, that girl I saw last week was kinda cute, need I go on? Yea he broke up with you for a reason...He's NOT the One! If he does think about you it's cause men are creatures of habit. So if he's bored, he may think of you cause he may have become used to having you around. However, that thought doesn't often translate into "let me call and get her back", but it may turn into "let me call her and see if she wants to hang out" which in hormonally charged men really means...I'm bored, I want to make out, she's still pining over me, she's a definite yes! Making out does NOT mean getting back. So don't do it!

2. Do NOT overanalyze the relationship. What you did or didn't do or could've or should've done. Guess what, too late! But more importantly, it does NOT matter. Since this dude most likely is not the One, then nothing, get it NOTHING, you could have done would have saved the relationship because it was never meant to be!

3. Do seek out honest advice. Find friends that will tell you the truth. Will pray and encourage you through this tough time and don't just tell you what you want to hear. They need to be objective and help you reflect on the lessons you could take away from the relationship rather than simply join you in a b*#tch fest against Mr. Wrong. They should encourage you to take back that heart of yours that you gave to an undeserving guy and place back in the Big Guy's hands for some healing, hope and comfort. They should encourage you to grow your faith during this time as you move away from relying on a guy and back to the only One we should always depend on. They should also cry, laugh and eat ice cream with you...but the good friends won't let you cry long, cause they know the BEST is yet to come!

4. Do NOT listen to love songs. NO! Don't do it! Don't cry through repeat playings of "our song" while you run a mental play by play of your entire relationship. In the end, guess what, you're still single and he ain't coming back (some may try....please refer back to #1 if so!).

5. Do NOT drive by his house and stalk him. That's just weird, period.

6. Do not sit on the computer waiting for him to log in and see if he'll chat you. Get off your butt and do something! Anything (except the do NOTs on this list!). Now that you have some free time on your hands, reflect on what you've always wanted to do but have put off because you were 'busy' being in a relationship. Reconnect with friends, take in a movie (yes you can go alone, it's empowering!), plan a trip, read that book you've been wanting to read, pick a hobby you've always been curious about, seek to help a friend in need. The best way to take the focus off of our pain is to help others through theirs...it also puts the cause of our pain in perspective.

7. Put the pictures away...better yet, throw them out, untag them on Facebook or Myspace, delete them, etc. You can also throw darts at them or black sharpie markie over his face, it does help some. LOL.

8. Let the past be the past. Leave it there. You can't change it, relive it, alter it, or delete it. But you can deal with the present. Live in the now. And hope with great expectancy for tomorrow.

9. Your healing depends only upon you. Your ex has NOTHING to do with your future happiness. Don't put that on him. It's not fair and it's cowardly as it takes the focus off you dealing with yourself and makes him the person responsible for your life. That's unfair and too much to ask of someone who you are no longer dating. Yes you're amazing and your ex. may be as well but the fact that he doesn't want to be with you doesn't make him the bad guy (unless he is, which is a whole other post!). But far too often we blame the guy and call him every expletive we can think of when in truth, it wasn't meant to be and there is a more amazing guy out there for you. Don't count yourself out just yet. Trust me!

10. Get excited about what's to come! Begin focusing on the future and with time (because healing always takes time) yes the healing will come, the pain does ease and eventually disappear, I PROMISE! But that depends on you! It depends on you taking responsibility for what you can, and that's your choices, emotions, actions and decisions NOW. Not the past. The present will determine your future not your past.

11. Lastly, Do NOT blame God! God didn't do this. God did not make your ex break up with you. God loves you and wants the best for you. So often though we become impatient with Him and do what we want and sometimes the consequences of that lead to a break up. I know I ignored God plenty enough to know that my broken heart(s) were not His fault. I heard the little voice inside my head tell me time and time again, "he's not the One", "this relationship is over, get out now", "do not date this guy, he's all wrong", "you are settling", "trust Me, I know you're scared and doubting but trust me, I love you!". The quiet voice of God prodding me, calling me, admonishing me. I wish I had listened. But more often than not, I didn't. And the result was always heartbreak. Until I gave Him my heart completely, unabashedly, trusting Him because I just couldn't get it right on my own. And I see the blessings today. A husband who is my best friend, a baby who is amazing, and a life I could have only dreamed of. God's dreams for us can become our realities. You have nothing to lose (you already feel like you lost it all!) Why not give Him a try...?

Mr. Right...not Mr. Right Now!

Friday, November 13, 2009


One of my sorority sisters sent me this awesome article on how women can figure out if a man is the Right Man (no idea where she got it or I would reference it). I think it has some very valuable and practical advice and I must say that I agree with it. Many of these points were things I considered and thought through when I realized I was ready to get married and wanted to make sure I ended up with the right man. Basically, it helped weed out the duds. It's worth the read if it'll save one more lady from ending up with the wrong man!

The Right Man

First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking...and second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual basis before it's made on an emotional one. "What about Love? Shouldn't that be the third?" you ask. No, and I'll tell you why. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9.

Your Heart:

The heart is willful and driven by its own agenda. It does not consider things rationally and intelligently-it just loves to love! Therefore, you have to point it in the right direction: "Above all else, guard your heart. For it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23. Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from God, check out his attributes and then allow your heart to engage. Dating exists not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe that the biblical design would be friendship, courtship, and then marriage. Friendship is two people walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing together. Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another exclusively- it is the decisive turning toward the agreed upon goal of the marriage alter. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life together after marriage. But dating? Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to gather facts.

1. Check out the fabric. Is this person mate material? Does this man have an intimate relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ? Does he care what God thinks about his behavior? Is he accountable to God as well as another co-laborer in faith? Accountability is an important factor. It is imperative to maintaining a committed relationship. Is your potential spouse a member of the same family-the family of God? Scripture is clear on this: "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with the darkness?" (2 Cor 6:14)

We need to have common interests and values and agree on the essentials of living day to day. You have to have a similar spiritual walk. You have to have the same spiritual diet. You enjoy a lot of similar things. You have like interests, like goals in life, like opinions on basic life issues. You have had like experiences in your background. Though there is some truth in the idiom that opposites attract, like minded folks fare better together. Furthermore, does he want to get married? If you want to be married and your dreamboat isn't interested, don't waste your time.

Remember, women fall in love and get married. Men decide to get married then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously. You aren't going to change his mind. If he's not going in your direction, then get off the bus and wait for the right one.

2. Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for you will pursue you, and God's hand in your relationship will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord." (Proverbs 18:22) Note- who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time, God has transported men and women across the world in order to put them together. At the RIGHT TIME, he will bring that man on the scene and he will find you. In God's perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam had no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib. You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You do not have to help a guy out because he's shy! Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want.

The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of a great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested. Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man that love you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: "We love Him because He first loved us." 1John 4:19.

The right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust God's timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit pretty, and allow you to be found. Again, WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you- this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship.

3. The man in your life should not desire to move into your house, only in to your heart. A man who prepares for your future has made his intentions clear. A man who is husband material has the means to take care of a wife. He is responsible a responsible human being who understand he needs to have something to offer. In short, a man should have the means to be a suitable lover for you.

4. Check out his buddies. Everyone knows that birds of a feather flock together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a man and his friends. A man's pals tell you a lot about the person that you have not seen yet. They reveal things about the guy's character that might be hidden when he is not on good behavior. Everyone knows how to put his best foot forward. Do not stay focused on the foot, check out the rest of the body!

5. Check out his relationship with his mother. How does he treat her? This is your preview of how he will treat you. There are lots of men, who, because of a negative relationship with their mother, really do not like women, yet say they do. Unresolved issues between a mother and son will continue between husband and wife.

6. Remember that a man's family reveals the cloth from which he is cut. Take note and decide if you want your future with the man in your life to look like his present family situation.

7. Check out the patterns in his life. Do you see repeated cycles of drama in his personal kingdom? Broken relationships? Problems making commitments? Including the job market? Mood swings? Is a problem always someone else's fault? Does he embrace responsibility or shirk it? Does he keep his promises? Is he a man of good reputation? Remember all garments look wonderful hanging in the store, but with wear, some begin to unravel. Give yourself time and space to check out the man in your life. Time will always reveal whether or not his is made out of the right stuff.

8. Does this man have a vision for his life? Is he running with that vision? Remember, God decided Adam needed help once Adam got busy DOING his assignment. As we saw Adam, a man does not need help until he is busy doing what he was created and called to do. Is the man in your life guided by a sens of destiny and purpose, or does he just allow life to happen around him? A man who is not certain of his mission can be a most miserable person- and you will be miserable too if you don't know where YOU want to go in life. A man who has vision will not be intimidated by a woman whose mission statement is clear. He will be your best ally, cheerleader and assistant because he wants you both to make it! A man who cannot be supportive of your achievements because he is floundering in a sea of uncertainty over his own life is not a healthy partner to have and to hold forever.

9. Creating dependencies of feeling of obligation is not the way to get the best out of your man. Somewhere along the way, he will resent you and flee from the smothering burden of obligation he associates with you. You want a man who is firmly anchored in his identity in Christ. Remember, we are longing for a man who will be a leader in his home. His first instincts should be to want to cover you, redeem you, and provide for you. Your job is to decide if this is the man God has ordained for you to compliment.

Complimentary. Do your talents and gifts compliment his? Do his gifts compliment yours? What about your temperaments? Do you see the two of you as an effective team capable of bringing blessing to the lives of those around you? Do your futures mesh? Can you coordinate your gifts in an attractive and effective way? If the man makes you feel like you need to completely reinvent yourself, then something is wrong. This is where I ask you to consider your relationship in the terms of cost. Is this relationship expensive spiritually, emotionally or physically? Does your longing for a mate make you willing to forfeit who you are in the process? Or does he see you as the gift that you are?

The man in your life should consider you as a rare find, a priceless jewel- because of you, he is getting ready to get blessed big-time! Any relationship that causes you to feel unworthy, unloved, unacceptable, undesirable, or that you have to work for love is too expensive! God has called the man to cover, protect, and provide not only materially for a woman , but spiritually and emotionally as well. You should be richer in mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams.

10. Does he have a healthy love and acceptance for himself? Make sure the man in your life has taken time to heal from past relationships and has made peace with himself. How he cares for himself is how he will care for you. A man's relationship with God is crucial here. His love for himself will only be as strong as his love for God. That is not something you can impart. You cannot be his savior or teacher. If he is causing you to compromise your faith or destabilize your walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or causing you to be distracted from your commitment to Christ, the relationship is too expensive.

A PRAYER:

Dear Heavenly Father, I confess that I have not always been as careful as I should have been with my heart. From time to time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands. I now commit my heart into Your hands for safekeeping. Please help me to stop being so impulsive with what You deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your love for me, let me learn from Your example what a groom should really be like. Help me to never settle for less than what You desire for me. As I embrace You as the lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart. As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach me. I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast men I meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on my own understanding. I know that You know what is best for me; therefore, I yield to Your choice. In Jesus Name, Amen.

While You're Waiting

Saturday, November 7, 2009

I often get asked by single ladies, "Ingrid, what the heck am I supposed to do while I wait for the One." This is usually accompanied with a slightly embittered undertone that translates into "God ain't getting this love boat show on the road and I'm losing faith here!" Nothing tests a woman's faith in her Creator more than having to play the "waiting game." My frustration in this way of thinking is the manner in which is seems many women place their lives on hold while they wait on the One. Their entire existence is focused solely on determining if every guy that crosses their path could potentially be the One. The occupation with that question takes up a ginormous amount of time (because of course as women we over analyze everything!). But seriously ladies?! Let's stop this nonsense now! Let's not waste time sitting around playing the "woe is me" game. God has not forgotten you (see song in previous post). God is not ignoring your prayers! God's timing is perfect. Grow your faith. And until that time arrives...today you have a purpose! Today there is something you need to accomplish. Today there is plenty God needs you to do. And so I found the following song quite appropriate while 'waiting'....

God...the Best Matchmaker...and it won't cost you millions!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Have you ever watched The Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo TV? She's gooood! She's a Jewish woman with strong opinions on successfully finding The One. Most of her advice is based on her faith and experience. Folks pay her tons (you have to be a millionaire just to hire her) of money to help them out. Well some of her insights are right up God's ally for finding The One God has created just for you!
Have some down time? Reflecting on being single and wondering what God has to do with it all. Check out this article by Charisma Magazine. I think it's well worth the read for some valuable insights and maybe behavior shifts in your dating thinking and decision-making.

You Are Not Forgotten!

Thurs. September 24, 2009

Ladies, you are not forgotten! The Bible tells us that God knows each and everyone of us, by name. We matter to Him because He created us and since we matter, our hearts and desires matter. I wanted to post a song that I used at my own wedding reception during our entrance that I used to celebrate and praise God for not having forgotten me during my single days as I waited in faith for Him to unite me with the man He had created uniquely for me.

A Dream Not Worth Chasing

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sorry this has taken me so long. Life has been crazy busy and the mind too drained to think clearly. I finally have some down time to write about reflections I've had about what may seem like the best dream that could ever come true...if it weren't so darn elusive!

I've heard stories about, as well as encountered, many young women who believe that marriage is the end goal, the end result after 'doing their time' through many a single night, home alone, pining for love that is to be, while watching some Romantic tear jerker of a movie that reinforces the all too false notion of love that Hollywood has brainwashed us into believing is reality (although I admit that I'm sucker for these movies, I am fully aware there is rarely anything to learn from how they portray love and marriage).

So these young women live their lives striving for this one goal, living in a constant search for the guy that will allow them to have the wedding day they've dreamed of, in the church they have already reserved in their minds and wearing that great white dress they have designed down to the last stitch of fabric....ugh! Sorry to sound cynical but come on ladies! That is not what we were created for!

So often women are so focused on making this dream a reality that they quit truly living. Their lives are characterized by whether or not they are in a relationship, which ultimately defines who they are and whether or not they are happy. They place all the stress of their own dreams, longings for love, definitions of true love and true happiness on some poor unsuspecting guy who is simply wanting to enjoy her company and get to know her. We women go from date 1 immediately to the wedding day and evaluating whether or not this is the man that can give us our happily ever after.

Oh how it saddens me. In our singleness there is so much we can do and accomplish without the stresses and responsibilities of a husband and kids. Now don't get me wrong, I love my hubby and kid, but I chose to get married later in life and definitely accomplished and did much during my 20s. Marriage, ladies, is not and should not be the end goal because it's not the end. Marriage is a continuation of life, an entrance into a new stage of it, and a commitment that will alter all aspects of your life as you now know it. This message is not for those of you already in serious relationships, about to enter in marriage (I hope you've already come to understand all that I'm writing about and 'get it' and have found your One).

This is for all those single ladies out there wasting away thoughts and energy believing that a wedding day and subsequent marriage will bring about all the happiness in the world, wiping away all sadness and filling their lives with joy unspeakable, always and forever. The problem with that thought is that no man can do that and sustain it day after day, hour after hour. Have you ladies been dating?! Guys are flawed, and we are just as well, if not more so! Often, we're just one great big hot mess of a female! And then we think that by walking down the aisle, saying "I do." and wearing a rock of diamond, that our lives will enter into the happily ever after....SIIIKE! Divorce rates alone will tell you it ain't so!

I love being married. I'm an advocate for it. But I believe marriage is right at the right time. I believe in order to know how to love and be loved we must first understand what love is and what it looks and 'feels' like. So for that I turn to the Maker of Love, the One that is Love, the only One that can give us our happily ever after....the lover of my soul...God. Yes, I went there, stick with me!

In my singleness I too spent lots and lots and LOTS of time and energy and thought dating the wrong guys, hoping that in them I would find all the happiness in the world and a fulfillment that I believed came from being in a relationship. Although I have learned much since those days, the greatest lesson I found was that there was no way I could find the joy and peace and love I wanted if I didn't get serious about who God was in my life. I needed to step aside and let God in. It was as I struggled through my 20s to understand who God was, and crying out that I needed to 'feel' him in order to trust him with my heart, that I began to change the way I viewed relationships and ultimately shifted my understanding of love and happiness. I must have been a rarity since I didn't long for marriage until my late 20s, never dreamed of my wedding day, never drooled over a bridal mag and some white gown, nope not me. But I did long to be loved and did think that I could find all I wanted and needed in a boyfriend. And as I dated men, and 'dated' God, I found more fulfillment in my relationship with God. As I drew closer to Him, I began to understand how to rightly draw closer to a guy.

As I learned more about who God was, I learned more about who I was, as created by Him, and what my purpose was in life. I learned how to better recognize the good guys by understanding the importance of character, values, morals, and observing where their time was being invested. Where God was in their life was easier to deem important because I had moved God into my own.

In that process, I changed, became more dependent on God, no longer on a guy, stronger in my singleness, less pissed off about another Friday night home alone, no longer willing to settle for mere male companionship to pass the time. I created new friendships that supported and cared for me and drew my life and mind into new opportunities for serving others, and away from serving my own needs and quite frankly from being so 'boy crazy'. And in this shift I discovered who I was supposed to be. Me, not me and a boyfriend, not my husband to be, I found Me, as God intended me to be. And in knowing myself, I came to better understand what role a man could and should play in my life versus the role God will always play. I learned what true love was and stopped being a brat about it and thinking that if a boyfriend didn't make me a priority he didn't love me, and I could fight with him into changing that. Oh, I learned a lot throughout those years (yes, years, I was single for a while and that was ok, I made it through and it was worth it!).

The point is that far too many of us spent or are currently spending all our time stressing about love lost, or love to come and not living in the moment or caring that God may be drawing us to something greater than we could ever imagine. We're so wrapped up in chasing this dream of marriage that we may be missing out on so many other experiences that God has in store for us. Experiences He wants and needs for us to have. Experiences that He has created uniquely for us, for some purpose, and I dare say, probably very important purposes.

Why is this important? Why don't I just leave you alone to sulk and be pissed off cause you feel God forgot about you? Because he hasn't! Because he knows your heart and your longings. He sure as heck knows you long for that dream of finding the One, yet he longs to ensure that you have become the woman worthy of that dream. The woman He has in mind, that can give and receive Love, that can support and be supported, that has come to know who she is, and is confident in knowing what God has called her to do and that when the time comes can recognize whether a guy is Mr Right (the One) or Mr. Oh So Wrong Thank You I'll Pass, next! A woman whose faith is so strong that she knows she's not forgotten, that her prayers will be answered, and until that day says, "Here I am God, what's next." You never know what that next may be....

Coming Soon...

I promise my marriage blog is coming soon...life is in full effect but I can't wait to share this insight! Stay tuned!

The Bachelorette...ohh Jillian!

We interrupt this blog for an emergency post on this season's Bachelorette finale....WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?! Tonight my facebook blew up as friends and I commented throughout this 2 hour finale. It all seemed to be going along just like every other Bachelor/Bachelorette finale until Reid came back. Here is where I wanted to reach through my TV, lift Jillian off that stage (cause let's be honest, she weighs like 80lbs.) and have a little reality chat with her.

My main issue was how she kept saying, "I don't know!" over and over and over again as Reid was telling her how he loved her and wanted to marry her (and might I add as she was hugging all over that young man looking like she was about ready for another of her famous make-out sessions). Jillian....please see post on How Do You Know? cause I think you just didn't know! It appeared that her ultimate goals were a diamond ring and a marriage proposal and she was rushing through a process which although may bring big ratings for the network, may leave her broken hearted once again...time will tell. For Jillian's sake, I hope she proves me wrong and it all works out for her and Ed the green-short-shorts-bathing-suit-wearing-workaholic-leave-and-return guy she chose.

In watching The Bachelorette through a lens of figuring out whether or not someone is the one I found Jillian making a lot of the same mistakes many of us girls make as we place pressure on ourselves to reach what we see as the end result...MARRIAGE (or is it the ring?). Perfect segue to what's to come...stay tuned!

We now return to our regularly scheduled blog...

How Do You Know?

I get this question ALL THE TIME! How do you know if he's The One?! Often asked by a young lady either in a relationship looking towards the future, or just getting out of one and wondering what went wrong. When I was about 26 years old I was in a relationship with a young man that had made it very clear to me and my parents that he intended to marry me. I questioned that decision and wondered daily whether or not he was The One. So I took the question to the local experts....that's right...my sisters Eileen and Hilda (yes, none of us have 'typical' Latino names, who knows why) who had married some very Godly men and seemed to have made the right decisions as far as I could observe.

I approached my older sister first who had been married for about 7 years at the time. The convo went something like this:

Me: Eileen, (wise big sis) how did you know Freddie was The One?

Wise Big Sis: I just knew. (with a nonchalant shoulder shrug)

Me: What? I mean how did you know?

WBS: I just knew.

Me (a bit exasperated by this point): Yes, Eileen but I mean, HOW did you KNOW?!

WBS: I know what you're asking me, and that's the answer. It's that simple.

Me: That is NOT an answer! (I think I may have yelled this at her and stomped my foot like a bratty litte kid, and yes, I'm the 'typical middle' child, deal.)

WBS - Someday you'll get it and it will be. (or something smart alecky to that effect).

**Just then the little sister walks in (going on 2 years of marriage)...what timing - especially since this took place at our parent's house and we all just happened to be there that day. (I think God set me up!)

Me: Hilda (wise lil sis), I just asked Eileen how she knew Freddie was The One and her answer didn't help. How did you know Sammy was The One.

WLS: I just knew.

Me: (Are you serious?!! More foot stomping and fists pumping in the air now) That's what Eileen said!!

WLS: It's true. (Hilda is known as the calm one)

Me: Yes Hilda but HOW did you KNOW? Were there signs? What made him The One?!

Hilda/Eileen: (I think they both said the same thing here) - There were signs, but I (we) just knew.

Me: Well that doesn't help! Thanks... (for nothing).

I swear they were laughing at me, like they knew something I didn't but would soon discover. So yea, I can say I walked away from that conversation feeling like nothing came out of it. Yet, when I got alone and I started to really think about it, I mean really think, it somewhat made sense...because what I did know was that the guy I was dating was NOT The One. As much as I may have wanted to be married (note I said married, not necessarily to him though) or thought he could be the One (note I said could, not was), I had to open my eyes to things I was ignoring, things that told me clearly he was NOT The One.

And so time would tell. Prayer and asking/begging/pleading with God to make it clear as the daylights whether this guy was or wasn't would reveal so much...and patience (oh yes ladies, patience the ever elusive gift to the unmarried lady waiting or seeking The One) and faith is what in the end worked. I've never been known for my patience. Actually, I'm still very impatient but I had heard a pastor once say that in order to learn patience we have to be placed in impatient situations. For a lady thinking she's ready for marriage, the waiting game is as impatient a situation as one could be in. And my faith...well I finally had to exercise it rather than just 'say I had faith' that God knew what was best for me. I was done doing it my way, believing words from some guy who was NOT the one for me. Faith...trust...it was time to practice them for real not just through words but in action...the act of patiently waiting, allowing God to lead.

So as I exercised some patience (hard, hard, hard) and trusted in God to show me and I finally saw it! He was NOT NOT NOT The One. No way, no how....he was NOT!! This truth didn't come overnight, it actually took about 3 months for me to see it, or rather to admit it to myself, and to my family. The prayers didn't yield the answers I may have wanted (cause single is not what I wanted to be...again!)...but they were what I needed...to open my eyes to the truth that my bf was NOT the one for me! I'm so happy I chose not to be as stubborn as I have been known to be, or so desperate for marriage or my 'happy ending' that I would jump into it with the wrong guy. In the end God knew what I needed and soon after I 'knew' Bobby was the One (here's a 'funny' - Bobby's dad had told him that when he found the girl he was meant to marry he would just know...nicely done Bobby's dad!). So how did I know? I just knew ;-) I hope you're patient enough to find out for yourself what that 'knowing' feels like.

Next: Why marriage is not a dream worth chasing...what?!

Great Reads While You 'Wait'

As I think back on my own journey that brought me to Bobby I have to stop and give much credit to the authors from whom I learned many a lesson. Although many church leaders will direct unmarried folks to the Bible as the source for the answers to all our questions concerning the search for the ONE...the reality is that reading the Bible on its own may not give you what you're looking for initially, it's all in there but we may need help 'getting it'. I know that for me, it really said nothing until I read it alongside Christian authors that helped bring a deeper meaning to what sometimes felt like heavy reading. Wisdom comes from God and really the only way to acquire it is through reading His Word. (Psalms 51:6 - Behold, you desire truth in the inward parts. You teach me wisdom in the inmost place.)

Yet, let's be honest...how many times have you tried reading the Bible and were left thinking...what the heck does that have to do with finding THE ONE?!...yea I felt that way a lot until I started picking up some other books from other folks just like me, who at one time asked who the One was, and within those pages, the words of scripture began to unfold. Here's my list, I hope you check some, if not all, of these great reads out!

Boy Meets Girl - taught me to rethink how I dated, the guys I chose to date, and how I handled myself in relationships. Truly, it changed my perspective on dating, I realized I had it ALL wrong!








When God Writes Your Love Story - Fall in love with your first Lover....I'll blog about this later but it changed me from the inside out!








Lady In Waiting - what are you doing in the meantime, as you wait, or search, or whatever you want to call it, for the One? Stop 'waiting' and start living!








Every Young Woman's Battle - watch enough chick flicks, read enough romance novels, observe your friends in dating relationships and you could really get a warped view on what that all should look like. This book goes to the heart of the issue. Ladies are giving up too much, too fast for all the wrong reasons...find out why.







The Purpose Driven Life - this one is not a dating book but rather a book about Life as it could be. It shed a lot of light into how I was living pre-Bobby, and more importantly pre-The Big Guy, and helped me find TRUE purpose. Life hasn't been the same since!

Introducing Jadon Luis

This is my lil thumb-sucking monkey Jadon. Had mommy not met daddy (my ONE) no monkey would exist today and that would've just been sad!

Jadon 4 months

Jadon 4 weeks w/Emi

Why I Blog

Because it's about time I put all the countless hours of advice I dish out in writing. Because sometimes I feel like I sound like a broken record with the things I say. Because I've accumulated some golden nuggets in the area of love throughout my own journey. Because I hope to help one more seemingly love-lost lady find what she's looking for. Because the ONE is more than just a number, an idea, an ideal, a dream. Because I can.

That being said, I truly hope that if you're wondering, searching, screaming out - WHERE IS HE?! That you'll drop in, engage, reflect and hopefully your journey will take you places you never even imagined you would go. I don't promise to have all the answers or even the right answers, but I do promise to be honest in what I share. ~ Blessings