What to do....

...while I wait is a question I face often from singles. Some claim waiting while actively on the prowl.  Let's not sugar coat this amigos...some of you are on the hunt big time, like a lion in the jungle creeping up on any available gazelle ready to prance on them for the kill!  Ok, maybe a bit dramatic, but you all get the point...some are waiting, some claim waiting, others will own they're on the hunt.

Regardless, if you're single and wanting to be married, you're in some stage of the above categories. I had the same question when I was single...what to do while in that period of singleness, and my wise sister said, "read some books that will help you understand dating and singleness"...she meant not just any dating book though...she was talking about them Jesus ones! ughhh!! I was NOT into JC at the time but I was into finding everlasting Love and knew at some point I needed to return to that relationship, figure it out, and be changed by it.

All that to say...I read lots of books on the subject and they transformed the way I understood dating (while JC transformed me!) and therefore how I did dating. I discovered courting (now ain't that an old fashioned word?!) and preferred it over dating and in turn made better choices when it came to the men in my life, and more importantly with my heart.

Here I am 7 years into my amazing marriage and I'm still reading on singleness and courting. Why? First off, I'm a friggin nerd and love to read. Secondly, because I believe in courting principles and want to share that with singles that come seeking advice.

Right now I'm into, "Choosing God's Best: Wisdom for Lifelong Romance" by Dr. Don Raunikar. Good stuff, easy read, he's onto something with this courting stuff (other good authors have written on it too). I will share one of his golden nuggets of dating and courtship with you, hoping I'll entice you to check it out; download it on amazon here.

"While we wait for God to reveal His choice of a mate, we concentrate on being the right person instead of finding the right person.  We do this by involving ourselves in ministry, fellowship, and friendships that help us focus on our value and identity in Christ instead of our value to someone else. We learn to treat our friends in Christ as if they were brothers and sisters and to distinguish Biblical appropriate behavior from behavior that compromises our physical and emotional integrity." (Raunikar, Chapter 1). I even site passages...such.a.nerd!

That, my friends, is some good reading! I hope you stop and reflect on it and what it means to your life or what it could mean should you give that courting thing a shot!

What happens when...

My mom is a stroke survivor. She lived through two strokes which left her incapacitated, unable to walk, talk, care of herself, and fed through a tube. My dad cares for her. She's not in a nursing home, she doesn't have a nurse, she has my dad. My sisters and I help, when he lets us and allows himself a break. I doubt when he and mom married they thought this is what their retirement would look like. Yet, here they are, in an inconvenient, uncomfortable, difficult, and unexpected situation. I wouldn't wish this on any couple. My dad won't leave her to anyone else to care for. "In sickness and in health" weren't just words to him. They were, and continue to be his vow, his promise, his truth to mom. He doesn't complain, he doesn't play the victim, he celebrates mom's life and is committed to ensuring her comfort and happiness. He is selfless, stubborn, constant, trustworthy, committed. He is my example.

So what happens when the unexpected occurs? What happens when the happily ever after looks different than what you dreamed of?

I pray, hope, challenge each reader to consider when dating and then believing someone is your "one" to ask yourself, if the above happened to you would they stay or would they go? Would they resent you? Would they feel cheated out of their happily ever after? Would you, if the roles were reversed?

We will age, the unexpected may occur, illness may be in our futures. When choosing, choose wisely, prayerfully, take your time, make sure the vows you hope to hear one day do not end up being empty words.

I hope that if you're seeking love (which if you're reading this, you probably are), that you may come to know and experience the kind of love I have been privileged to be a part of and product of. The kind that mere words can't explain but when you see it, as I see it each time I look at mom and dad, there is no doubt that it is real and worth waiting for.

When You Least Expect It....

How often have you heard that one?! You'll find the one....when you least expect it. Or...When you're not looking he/she will show up! I hated those phrases when I was single! I hated them because I was expecting, and actively looking...I.was.on.the.prowl! Ok, maybe not so cat-like but I was definitely keeping my eyes out for my one. And I thought I had found my one...and more than once I might sadly add.

But of course, hind sight is 20/20 and tonight I share my insight into the whole idea of, "You'll find the one when you least expect it." I'm coming at this from my own experience because it highlights for me the truth of that statement. Here's the thing...One day, I stopped searching, expecting, looking, waiting for the one. I decided instead to set my heart on the One (Christ) cause I had been running and playing games with that relationship for way too many years.

• When I stopped looking for the one, I freed up time (mental, emotional, spiritual) to spend with the One. No more worrying about when or if I would have date or someone pining over me...just me and the Big Guy upstairs, chilling.

• As I spent time with the One, I discovered purpose.

• As I discovered purpose, my mind and heart's desires were transformed, renewed, reshaped.

• My desires shifted from wanting/needing to find love for myself, to giving/sharing Love with others.

• As I shared Love with others I became outward focused...servant minded.

• Being outward focused opened me up to new relationships, new adventures, took me places I never imagined I would go (umm, can we say seminary up in freezing cold and dreary Indiana?!).

• When I was focused on the One, I was free, at peace, fearless, confident in my place/purpose in this world, submitted- not My will Lord, but yours. The old me, gone...just me and my One and whatever was to come. < - sometimes I drop sweet rhymes!

• When I was focused on the One, it was no longer all about me...and then it happened...when I wasn't looking, when I least expected it....Bobby.

Although my husband knew me for 2 years before we began dating, he will tell you how unattractive I was to him (btw I wasn't doing any double takes for him either!). He saw in me a difficult young woman, stubbornly opinionated, domineering, shallow, selfish, and I'll throw in prideful. And so while he wasn't looking (at me), and while I was outward/upward focused, it happened....because the young woman I became was the kind of young woman that could be loved...because I learned to love. To love without expecting anything in return, to see others as Christ sees them/me...imperfect, broken, hurting, and yet completely, unconditionally loveable.

I had learned that it was never about me but about me serving and sharing that Love with others. And to Bobby, that was beautiful. Not only that, as my heart and mind changed, I saw men through new eyes; what was once attractive was now unappealing, what mattered now...heart, authentic faith, humility.

So yea, when you least expect it...when you aren't looking...it could happen....

 

Get to Work - Part II

Sorry for the hiatus friends..a new job, a 4 month old, and a move has kept this little lady quite busy. So let's get into it quickly. Part two of doing the hard work necessary to create a relationship that is sustainable is all about figuring out what your negotiables and non-negotiables are from the person you're considering a forever with.

I give this advice to singles all the time, some take it, some don't, but time and time again, those that discard it later on come to realize the value in it. What are things you'll compromise or bend on or put up with (negotiables) and what are 'absolutely not gonna happen' things (non-negotiables)?

If you've never stopped to think about this, the work begins now cause chances are if you're following or reading my blog, you're thinking about these things. The reality is that you probably do have a list of these but call them something else. My challenge is to reflect on your non-negotiables, ensure they're realistic, and settle for NOTHING less! Your non-negotiables are closely linked to your values, faith, family, and culture. If you let these nons become negotiables, I truly believe this is how the cracks begin to form. Let me share my list of negotiables and non, so you get a picture of what I mean. Again, these were MINE at a specific time in my life when I was desiring a sustainable and "forever" relationship. Yours can and will be different.

Negotiables

• Where we'll live
• How we'll spend money (because there's always negotiating here)
• Where we'll worship (I married a Christian man who didn't speak Spanish and I grew up in a Spanish speaking church...we had to negotiate here so we could worship together!)
• Where we'll spend the holidays (2 sets of in-laws to please!)
•  What gets recorded on the DVR/Tivo
• Amount of time he spends with his "boys" and I spend in "girl time"
• How many kids we would have
• Politics - on some issues...that's a whole other blog but there are some areas of politics I can bend on and some I can't...'nuff said.

Non-Negotiables

• Religion - A man of Faith - I was not wanting someone going through a faith journey at the point when I was ready to settle down and begin a family. I needed a man that was grounded in his faith in Christ, that could pray with me and for me and not be ashamed of doing so. A man that said, "we will worship together, we will walk this journey together but always with God leading." I had dated plenty of guys that claimed they had a faith, that they were Christians, or that they believed in God....in the long run, their actions showed me their beliefs did not translate into action; our values were not the same and therefore how we faced life's hard choices would always be vastly different. "Until death do us part" is a long time to argue about which direction to take in life with a partner whose decisions are grounded in gut or feeling rather than in Christ.
• Porn - no way, no how!! A man that watched porn was not a man for me. Porn objectifies women, it doesn't see them as the beautiful, intelligent, purposeful women God created them to be but mere objects of lust and sex at a guy's whim. That's not how I wanted to be seen or have my future husband see women. 
• Abuse - physical, mental, emotional - any man that could inflict abuse on me was a no go! Often times women make excuses for these men (their past is to fault, their tempers, their actions are "accidents") but I was not going down that road. I was not pulling a Rihanna! A man that inflicts any kind of abuse needs a good psychologist and some healing, not a woman to be his punching bag. I would not put up with it nor subject my future kids to it. There is never a guarantee that an abuser will change and that wasn't a risk I was willing to take.
• A job/a passion/life goals with concrete plans for achieving them - this was a non-negotiable for me because I wanted a partner I could encourage along as he encouraged me in my own career, passions, ministry. I wanted a man who knew what God had called him to do and was living a life that demonstrated his joy in doing so. I could go on and on about this but for me, I sought stability, grounding and assurance in my future husband, not some guy flitting through life still trying to find purpose (reminder- I was about 26 with a career and 2 degrees under my belt when I started really desiring to be married and "settle down," I wasn't just entering the dating game) because I had already dated men like that and it was not my cup of tea. 
• Let me add - Living to work or working to live - workaholics need not apply because I wanted a present husband and future daddy to my kids not an absentee spouse/dad.
• Smoking/f-bombing/Clubbing/Getting Drunk - these are all rolled into one because it was a lifestyle I was a part of for years and one I didn't wish to revisit for myself or with a future spouse. I had left that lifestyle which left me pretty empty and with less cash in hand (drinks are pricey and so are cute outfits to go out in! lol) and found joy and peace in more purposeful things. I had found new ways to use the time, money, gifts and talents God had given me and was past that lifestyle. I've never looked back.

Hope this helps, singles! If the person you're dating is or has something on you non list, I say that's a red flag, and for me, a red flag meant walk away...I hope you pay attention to your nons and the red flags they highlight for you...now do work!!

Wise Words

Saw this today on Facebook. Had to share...

Marriage is Not the Answer

 Three years ago I wrote about how marriage is not a dream worth chasing...yep, it's not! Stick with me here singles! So many ladies (and guys too) focus on it as their ultimate goal among goals and believe that in attaining it all their hopes and dreams will be realized.  And let's be honest, many really just want the ring, the dress (do guys dream of their tux?), the wedding day and don't think beyond the honeymoon. Few think about doing the work necessary in their dating relationships to ensure a forever marriage...yes there's work (future blog!).  So if marriage is your answer you got it twisted! You can read all about that crazy thinking here.

Today I came across this little nugget posted on FB which basically says the same thing, but it's written by a licensed professional counselor specializing in relationships...in case you need a pro to confirm what I keep saying! "Marriage Doesn't Solve Your Problems".

I hope those who expect their happiness and fulfillment to come via their wedding day/marriage will take some time to read the aforementioned links. I hope even more deeply that you discover what God has created you to be and do because in that lies the eternal happiness and peace we all long for.

Hindsight is 20/20

Sorry for my long absence! Baby #2 has arrived, I'm getting ready to graduate...again, and summer is upon us which means more time to blog...yay!!! Here's a little something for you singles....

They say hindsight is 20/20 and I read a quote by Philip Yancey that said, "I have learned that faith means trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse." These two little sayings couldn't be more true than when facing a single life longing for love and wondering what God is up to, IF he's up to anything at all (Pssst- He always is!). 

In the spirit of "looking back", I came across this awesomely written letter that perfectly stated what I would say to my younger, single self if that were to be a possibility...I could have used this during some very lonely and hopeless days during my singleness....I hope it encourages my singles out there!

"A Letter to My Younger Self"

Do You Believe in Fairytales?

I've said it time and time again on this blog...some singles have a warped perception of marriage and love driven by the fairytale Hollywood presents us via "Chick Flicks" and romantic comedies. Check out this spoken word on the same topic. Remember singles, you don't work to achieve the wedding day, you work towards a marriage that lasts a lifetime!

What She Learned About Relationships in 2011

Check out this great blog post by a single, just like many of you out there, learning a lot from observing successful, and some not so successful relationships. She has some great advice...much of which I have spilled throughout the years on this blog. A high five to this lady!! What she learned...

Happy New Year

 Happy New Year Singles! Ready to make some changes in the dating department? Ready to face this new year? Ready for a fresh start? Since so many see New Year's as the time to make changes, let's make those changes count!! I wrote a New Year's blog 2 years ago that is full of the same advice I would give you all today. So why rewrite it? Just check it out!!

Ms. Oh So Wrong

As promised in my prior post, here's my story on how I so wanted to find Mr. Right but I sure wasn't Ms. Right! See when I was single I looked around at all the marrieds in my life and found that what I wanted was a relationship such that my sisters and parents had. One where their marriages where founded upon each individual's relationship with Christ which was integral to the success of their unity. Their faith carried their relationships when troubles came and kept them grounded rather than throwing them into the chaos of uncertainty I saw in my married friends who did not share the same faith values.

Now, although that's what I wanted, here's what I was doing to try and attain that. I was still acting like I was in college, going out drinking and clubbing, in love with the idea of being in love, falling for guys with smooth words, good looks and little faith, hanging out with girlfriends that told me what I wanted to hear not what I needed to hear, and pining over lost/past loves. Sometimes I was even walking through doors God had closed (ok, I was kicking them open to be honest!).

Then something clicked. I finally got real with myself and admitted that my way had never worked. That I kept doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results...that is the definition of insanity right?! So I took a little sabbatical from dating and all those other distractions I kept in my life so I wouldn't have to face the deafening silence of loneliness. The reality that I wasn't as happy as I made everyone around me believe I was. The fact was I was lonely and tired of running around chasing a fairytale.

I spent a year journaling, reading, and praying. I finally got serious about my own personal relationship with God and slowly buy surely He began showing up in my life in small but significant ways. He was in the new friendships I made as I began attending a new church. He was in the wisdom that I gained that let me see when a guy was worth my time or would just lead me astray again. He was in the strength I gained to set and stick to physical and emotional boundaries with guys so as to not give away too much (or all of myself) too soon. He was in the new life that emerged whereby I no longer focused solely on finding my One, but rather focused on life as I was living it.

As I look back now I see how those small changes led to a drastic life alteration in which I emerged a completely different person. The nightlife lost its appeal and was replaced with fun nights of hanging out with friends in truly meaningful ways, basically doing life with like-minded people. My relationship with my sisters and parents improved as I could now see their tough love was their desire for the best out of my life. Even the way I talked and acted changed. That year was also the year I left my career in Higher Education behind prompted by God's leading to return to graduate school 1000 miles away from everything and everyone I knew. In that one very difficult decision, and for the first time being completely obedient to God no questions asked, my life finally found the peace and solace it had always craved. A certainty that I was exactly where I needed to be doing exactly what I was created to do.

It was that new me that finally attracted my hunny who had entered my life the year prior to all this. Ask him and he'll tell you how unappealing the old me was to him. How he was my friend but at times couldn't stand me. How when he came to visit me in graduate school with one of my friends (who by the way I was trying to set him up with) he said he encountered a vulnerable yet stronger woman who was fully relying on God and that was attractive to him. How my decision to be obedient to God showed him a woman who he could be with forever because he knew I was grounded in the same faith that led his life. We've been together ever since.

I look back at so many wasted years doing life my way with less than stellar results and how I feared giving up that life would make me a boring and unappealing woman. The miracle of faith is giving up the power to write our own story to allow the Great Author to take the pen; the story that emerges will be amazingly unimaginable . Sometimes I look back and it seems as if it never occurred. If I knew then what I know now...It's for that reason I blog.

Happy Holidays!

Are YOU Ms. Right?

Ladies, ladies....are you running around searching for Mr. Right? Have you stopped to ask yourself whether or not YOU'RE Ms. Right? Have you stopped and asked God what kind of woman God is wanting to mold you into during your time of singleness? We go around wasting time in relationships trying to change guys into being our ideal Mr. Right when in reality, if WE were Ms. Right we would know it's not our job to change the guys. It's not our job to demand that they become our perfect ideal and it's not their job to fulfill every fairytale dream we carry around in our hearts.

Being Ms. Right is knowing that whether or not you're in a relationship, you're right where God wants you to be. That a man doesn't define you, isn't solely responsible for your happiness and is not meant to fulfill every single need your life has. Being Ms. Right is finding fulfillment in the life that God has given you right at this moment, living in the here and now and not in the "what ifs" of the past or the uncertainties of the future. Being Ms. Right is about full dependence on God to be the giver of joy and filler of needs and independence from the unrealistic fairytale views of the world that have us believing that there is no life apart from a man.

Are you Ms. Right? I'll be posting a follow up on this and sharing my own story of discovering what it meant to be Ms. Right and not Ms. Searching for Mr. Right. Until then....I hope you begin reflecting on your thoughts, actions, decisions, and desires and see where you fall on this journey to being Ms. Right...if you so desire.

When God Breaks Your Heart

Sometimes I come across articles that just say it best. Here's one that I loved. Men and women have broken hearts since the beginning of time but God breaks hearts as well. Do you blame God for your broken heart? Have you had your heart broken by God? I know I have and this article sheds some great insight into the purposes of such a break (#4 is my favorite!). It's worth a read! You can also click on the title and it will take you to the Girls Gone Wise website where I found it. Enjoy!

When God Breaks Your Heart

by Gabrielle Pickle

There it was glaring out from the computer screen. The words I never thought I would see. I had been so confident in how God had directed me. For a moment I could not breathe. “We regret to inform you that…” I couldn’t read the rest of the email. The tears suddenly gushing down my face had obscured my vision. The email shattered my dreams. My heart, that desired so badly to serve God in this particular way, crumbled into pieces.

I could not understand how this had happened. I prayed so hard. I prayed all of the right things “… God, Your will be done. God, give me a desire for the choice you want me to make, and take away all desires for the other options. God, confirm this if it is your will. God, shut the doors that I do not need to enter. God, I want this badly, but I want you more … ” He took away my desires for every option but one. He confirmed over and over again that this was what He had for me. He closed every door and window except for this one.

And then he closed this one.

What do you do when God breaks your heart?

The pain was so great that I couldn’t bear it alone. Somehow I found myself driving, brushing away tears as they clung to the edge of my sunglasses. Swallowing sobs, I tried to concentrate on driving, but my only thought was, “Oh God, what now?”

I ended up at the home of a lifelong friend. “Why,” I asked angrily, “Does God tell you something and then all of a sudden change his mind?”

“God is truth.” She said, opening her Bible. “Everything God tells you is truth. Remember, He sees things different than you do. ‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the LORD.’” (Isaiah 55:8)

Why does God break our heart?

1. Because our hearts lead us astray.

I am a planner, a card-carrying member of the list-bound masses. We are very goal oriented…. It is how we make it through the day. So when God gives us a future goal, we work toward that point as if our life depended on it (because we think it does). And somewhere along the way, the goal can become our god. And God becomes an afterthought that we occasionally ask to bless our efforts. And just like that, our hearts have led us astray. “The heart is deceitful…who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9)

2. Because God is a jealous God.

Often, the goal becomes our God. We make it into an idol and organize our life in worship to it. Whether it is a relationship, career path, academic degree, status symbol, or to-do list we are determined to complete, when that goal becomes the ruling authority in our lives, it is an idol. And God is a jealous God. He wants to be number one in our hearts and lives. Because He is God – that is His right. That goal or list may be your security blanket, but it is powerless to save you from the sentence of your own sin. “You shall have no other gods before me…for I the Lord your God am a jealous God.” (Exodus 20:3-5)

3. Because God loves us.

In breaking our hearts, God is rescuing us from ourselves. God breaks our hearts, not to hurt us or because He enjoys our pain – no! God breaks our hearts when we have become so focused on some goal, rather than on Him. He breaks our heart because it is the only way He can save us from ourselves. He breaks our heart because it is the only way to remove a dream that is not His best for His daughter. “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” (Prov. 16:9)

4. Because God is seeking a relationship.

In my limited human understanding, it seemed like God had lied. Yet Scripture makes it clear that God is incapable of lying and that everything God said is true.

So had I heard wrong? Had I misunderstood God for all these years? No…and Yes.

When I finally stopped crying, I remembered that God had set me on this path, but had not promised the endpoint. In my itty-bitty human mind, taking a path only had one outcome….reaching the goal. But God is not bound by my small-mindedness. He guided me to work toward the goal, but He never promised I would achieve it, I just assumed… “For my thoughts are not your thoughts… declares the Lord.” (Isaiah 55:8) Many times God may lead us down a certain path toward an unknown door. We, of course, are focused solely on the door at the end of the journey. When we reach the end, we may find that the door is locked. God did not lie. We may be distracted by the human goal, but God was leading us toward an eternal goal – a closer relationship with Him.

Then how are we supposed to plan?

Does this mean that plans are evil and we cannot make lists?

No. It means we should not structure our lives in worship of the “Almighty List.” It means never setting a goal above God in our hearts. It means we are to make plans in humility, submitting every hope, dream and earthly goal to the Lordship of Christ. We must hold the things of this earth loosely. Our only immovable goal should be God Himself. (James 4:13-16)

What do you do when God breaks your heart?

When God breaks your heart….hand Him the pieces.

Because He is good and trustworthy and He will always do the best thing. God is good, and even though my dream was dead, my heart rested securely in the arms of my Savior. Looking back, I see now that God had to break my heart to remove that dream so that He could guide me to a far better dream. God was acting in my best interest, even thought it hurt. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart.” (Prov. 3:5-6)

Wait....

This amazing poem was posted on FB last night and I thought it may be of encouragement for times when we wonder when God will answer our prayers, our cries, our heart's desires. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

WAIT by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried; Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied. I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . . And the Master so gently said, "Wait." "Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply. "Lord, I need answers, I need to know why! Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard? By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. "My future and all to which I relate Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait? I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign, Or even a 'no' to which I can resign. "You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, We need but to ask, and we shall receive. And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry: I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate, As my Master replied again, "Wait." So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . . and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign. I could shake the heavens and darken the sun. I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run. "I could give all you seek and pleased you would be. You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me. You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint. You'd not know the power that I give to the faint. "You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there. You'd not know the joy of resting in Me When darkness and silence are all you can see. "You'd never experience the fullness of love When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove. You would know that I give, and I save, for a start, But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart. "The glow of my comfort late into the night, The faith that I give when you walk without sight. The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask From an infinite God who makes what you have last. "You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee, What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee. Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true, But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you. "So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me. And though oft My answers seem terribly late, My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait." ©Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.

In Love with with Great Potential?

I'm seeing this cycle time and time again. Young women (and sometimes men too) falling in love with someone who they see great potential in. They justify these relationships to others who have noticed the red flags by saying, "Oh but I just see the man/woman they can be!" or "they're working on becoming what I need". Unfortunately, the reality is that for very few of these relationships will that potential ever become a reality and again ladies/guys are left disappointed, brokenhearted, and pining away for what "could have been" rather than the reality of what was.

Potential...You know what potential is? Just wishful thinking. A possibility that doesn't exist unless it's fulfilled.

My advice to all the singles out there, don't date the potential you see, date the reality because that potential is no guarantee. No matter how much love or time you put into trying to change someone into the potential you see in them, the truth is that the only person that can decide to make the change is them. As long as you're hanging around loving them (and nagging them) for who they are, the longer they'll remain just as they are.

I challenge you to decide what you're looking for in your future mate and to settle for nothing less. In doing so, you can more freely love them because they don't need to be told by you how to act and what to do....they'll just do it! I know for myself, part of my own process of change (becoming less self focused and more others focused) came about from my own relationship with God. As I started to understand how God loved others, and how he intended me to love others, I stopped demanding that all my needs be fulfilled by my dating partners and started seeing that only God could fulfill them. In turn, I attracted my husband, a man who has a selfless heart for serving others wholeheartedly, without second thought. He saw in me a woman fully relying on God and and I saw in him a man that loved God in such a way that obedience to Him was the most important thing. That meant that IF GOD wanted him to change, he would. I knew I could love a man with such a willing heart because I knew he would love me just as I had always desired.

No more settling my friends!

Dear Single Ladies

If you read the previous post and the blog linked to it, then you know there's a version for single ladies. If you didn't check out the version for single ladies, I encourage you to do so. Click here to read about 'How to live a Great Love Story" from the perspective of a guy. I think he shares some great insight for single ladies and I love his brutal honesty...cause if you know me... ;-) I hope your take away is self reflection on the choices you've made up to this point in your dating life. If you want the love story I talk about in this blog, Don Miller's advice is spot on. If you seek something else, this may not be for you, but thanks for stopping by.

Sincerely,
Me, on behalf of the love story awaiting you

Dear Single Men,

I know you don't really want to take dating advice from a woman...so take it from a man instead. If you're searching for YOUR ONE, I think the following by Donald Miller is a must read. PLEASE take the time to read it through and you'll save yourself the headaches of dating the wrong girl and you'll end up breaking less hearts!! There's a girl out there waiting for you to complete her love story. Click Here!!

Sincerely,
Me, on behalf of Single Ladies

Dear Single Ladies,
You should read it as well!

Blessings,

Tick Tock

Tick tock, tick tock, your life clock is ticking down....so depressing, right? Well it's all in how you look at it. I got the following devotional today and had to share some parts of it with all you singles out there. Why? Because often, as singles, time is seen as the enemy. You place time limitations on your dating lives and freak out when you haven't found the One, or the person hasn't made your relationship 'official', or you haven't gotten the ring. But time is not the enemy. It takes time to build a relationship (and sometimes we rush it and have disastrous results), it takes time to mature and grow and know yourself well enough to know what kind of guy or girl you should (or shouldn't be) dating, it takes time to heal from past hurts and wounds, it takes time to move past a broken heart, it takes time to get rid of bad habits that may be keeping you from being successful in any relationship. And as you read this devo, I think you'll agree, that we want it our way, right away, forgetting that God isn't Burger King and we can't just send up a drive-through prayer and expect immediate results. There's much to be learned in whatever time God is giving you during this time of singleness...take the time to find out what it is! It will yield Long Term Rewards!

Hope Now with Long-Term Rewards
by Rick Warren

“Since we are his children, we will possess the blessings he keeps for his people, and also we will possess with Christ what God has kept for him! For if we share Christ’s suffering, we will also share his glory! I consider that what we suffer at this present time cannot be compared at all with the glory that is going to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:17-18

A Harvard study found that the more long-term your thinking is, the more successful you will be in life. And the more short-term your thinking is, the less successful you will be.
Unsuccessful people only think about the here and now – what feels good now, what is nice now, and what gives results now. But if you think in the long-term, you will have greater success, because you are willing to put up with short-term pain to gain long-term benefits.
The reason America is in the financial mess it’s in right now is because of our inability to delay gratification. We don’t know how to say no. We say, “I want it and I want it now, even if I have to charge it and can’t pay for it,” and the debt has caught up with us. That’s what little kids do. They don’t know the difference between “no” and “not yet.” They have to have it now.
If you want God’s blessing on your life, you must focus on the long-term, not the short-term. You can’t allow hopelessness that comes from short-term thinking to take hold in your heart or you will get discouraged and give up too soon.
If you are feeling hopeless because of current struggles you are experiencing, keep in mind the words of the Apostle Paul: “[W]hat we suffer at this present time cannot be compared at all with the glory that is going to be revealed to us” (Romans 8:17).
My hope for each single reading this is that they will focus more on the long-term than the short-term; that they will choose not to settle for what is wrong while hoping it will become right (that RARELY if ever happens), that their focus would be upwards (God) and inwards (self-reflection) rather than outwards (distractions, wrong relationships, time wasters). My hope is that your hopes of love will be realized....in God's perfect time, because that will make that love simply PERFECT.

Who are you Yoking up With?

Yoke? Say what?! Yes yoke, not joke (sometimes I do speak with a Spanish accent, not this time lol) and not an egg yoke. Let's chat about dating and the bible and being unequally yoked...stick with me here!!

When I was in my mid 20s I would get asked all the time when I was going to settle down and get married. At the time I had a very active dating life and definitely loved the rush of 'falling in love' and yet with each relationship, deep down inside, I KNEW none of those guys could ultimately be the One. Why? Because I knew marrying them would make me 'unequally yoked' and what I desired out of a hubby (a man that loved God above all and had a true relationship with Christ) could not be achieved by simply dating them and hoping that they would see the light and come to know God and become that man. Very rarely does that happen. And although I surely wasn't living a Christ-centered life at the time, I knew that in the end I wanted the kind of marriage that could weather the tough times (since the odds are against marriages right?!), I wanted what my sister had, what my parents had, I wanted the happily ever after... and more importantly, the 'divorce is not an option' EVER after!

So I got serious about my own personal relationship with Christ (didn't happen over night, actually took about 2 years of getting rid of badly acquired habits and I'm still a work in progress!) and as I learned more about who God is, what love is and isn't I also discovered what qualities I really needed to look for in a guy in order to get my heart's desires. And so today I came across this great video, at times funny, at times in your face but it's on point! This pastor is single and he's straight up honest about reasons why...basically he refuses to settle and is willing to wait as long as it takes to led God lead him to the One. He is full of some great wisdom and here speaks straight truth about this whole 'unequally yoked' bit we hear all the time and want to ignore. If you're single, I hope it gives you a new perspective and challenges you not to settle on the wrong person in hopes of gaining your happily ever after!

The more I speak with singles entering dating relationships, the more I see a trend. Folks...we're dating as if we were still in high school! We're choosing partners based on superficial things: looks, car they drive, how they dress, money, how well they spit game on us - rather than choosing them for reasons that will ensure our relationships go the distance.

So, if you find yourself single and lonely and wanting companionship and longing for love don't just let any guy or girl into your life just because they're the one expressing interest and your ego and self-esteem are in need of a love boost. We all know how it will end. I'm still amazed at how surprised singles are when it does end...as if they didn't/couldn't/wouldn't see it coming. If you're choosing whom you date based on surface level things, how can you expect to get the relationship you desire in the end? If you compromise in those areas you consider non-negotiables (faith, values, lifestyle) then don't be surprised when all you end up with is Unhappily Ever After.

In my opinion, these decisions can't wisely happen without us placing complete trust of our hearts and minds in God's hands. Many of us claim to do it, many of us though fail to live it out be showing patience and wisdom in our dating choices.

Psalm 32:8 - The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathways for your life. I will advise and watch over you.
I don't know about you, but that sounded pretty good (too good to be true?) to me when I first read it. If doing so meant gaining the best love I could ever imagine having then it was a risk worth taking. A risk I was finally willing to take (trusting fully in God rather than doing things MY way) and one that in the end paid off BIG TIME! Not just because I ended up in love and married, but because in doing so, I gave God control over ALL areas of my life and that meant I allowed Him to make me into the woman He had created me to be, to continue molding and shaping me, to live out my faith by relying solely on him, rather than a man. To rid me of attitudes and habits that would make me unlovable and selfish and prideful (an ongoing process) and in turn more humble, and willing, and selfless.

In the end, the person I became in God, is the woman my husband found himself attracted to. Not the focused on myself, my looks, my needs, my happiness woman I was before. He knew both women, didn't like the former me (and mind you, loves to tell folks about her) and as he also trusted in God, that patience paid off.

So the next time you're faced with the question, "Will you date me?" stop and think on those things you desire in the long run, rather than our culture's somewhat skewed view of living in the moment and going after what makes us feel good right now. It will ensure you don't end up heartbroken again. Better to figure it out now, then after you go and say "I do", to Mr. or Miss Oh So Wrong.